A/N Cryptids!
"Hello and welcome back to Buzzfeed Unsolved, today we are exploring The Legend of the Cryptid States, as part of our ongoing investigation into the paranormal and to answer the question, are ghosts real?"
(Shane shakes his head)
Greg sat outside of the Statehouse huddled in his car watching the phone in front of him like his life depended on it.
He can't believe his investigation into his new employers lead him to a Buzzfeed Unsolved episode but, this wasn't the weirdest thing he's experienced lately.
Ryan: I really think you're going to like this one.
Shane: I've got to say, my interest is peaked.
Shane: As long as it doesn't involve mothman or anything like that.
Ryan: Well....
Shane: (curses)
Greg, like most of America in early 2020, lost his job because of the pandemic. One day he arrived on set and there was a big sign on the gate urging everyone to 'GO HOME'. For weeks he sat in his childhood bedroom drinking way too much beer and playing Pokemon until the early morning until his parents, kindly, told him to go looking for a job.
Ryan: (VO) From the first peoples of America to the first settlers, there have been reports of humanoid cryptids who seem to be attached to the lands they are founded from. The first report was from 1607, when a kind older gentleman introduced himself to a group of sailors of the Virginia Company, later on taking the name of the Colony of Virginia.
Shane: So what, did this 'Virginia' not have a name before those colonizers came over?
Ryan: I guess the first peoples probably knew him as 'that dude' or something.
Shane: 'Who drank all the well water?' 'Oh goddamn it That Dude!'
Ryan: (wheezes)
Finally, after weeks of searching and his parents ready to tear their hair out, he found a job on Craigslist that seemed right up his alley. He'd be recording meetings for a group of people during the pandemic who are reporting from their various states how said states were handling the crisis. It had good pay and wasn't too far from where he lived, so he applied and, mysteriously enough, got the job immediately after. No interview, no nothing.
Really that should've been his first mistake.
Ryan: (VO) What was strange about this 'Virginia' was that, from certain accounts, he had antlers, and his face seemed to change everyday. Settlers reported that sometimes he had extra sharp teeth, missing or extra eyes, and could appear and disappear at random.
Greg's new employers were fine he supposed in the beginning. Sure they actually called themselves states but that wasn't the weirdest thing Greg had ever been involved in. Most of his early college work was filming LARPs and DnD campaigns, so this was the least strange thing Greg had ever recorded. What came after however, was when the weirdness really started.
Ryan: (VO) As America became more settled, and more people came over from England, more reports of these humanoid creatures started popping up around the same time as colonies were formed. These stories would spread as America moved west and more states were founded. The humanoid creatures came out of nowhere, often to help people settle their land, and could come and go as they pleased.
Shane:
Ryan: (wheeze)
Shane: I wonder what Illinois looks like.
Ryan: (wheezes harder)
Shane: Oh BOOOOO. Boo! Look at that!
Ryan: I think that's pretty cool man!
Shane: He's got a Cubs jersey on!
Ryan: That's your concern?
Shane: YES
Greg swore sometimes they moved without walking, teleporting this way and that way. One of them, he called himself Florida, knew all the 'calls' for the states and they'd just pop out of nowhere. The first time Greg saw it happen, he thought he'd spent too much time around 'Colorado' but one second Florida made a call and the next Washington was next to him yelling at him to stop drinking all his coffee. And that wasn't even the weirdest part. Their appearances changed, Greg sounded crazy telling his family and friends but he swore, everytime he looked there was something weird about them!
Ryan: (VO) So who are these humanoid creatures? Some say they're an ancient alien race who settled America first before us humans, and only allowed us to settle here because we, ironically, are still their colony.
Shane: That's so stupid.
Ryan: But it makes sense right!
Shane: NO! It doesn't! That sounds right out of a Twilight Zone episode!
Ryan: But wouldn't it be ironic, we settled America, colonized it, drove the indigenous people to damn near extinction, only for aliens to colonize us.
Shane: It sounds like a plot of a really bad SyFy film!
There was their appearance as well, and like Greg had continuously told his friends and family, it changed. He'd find...shedding in the bathroom that looked like their old clothes, only for them to pop out of nowhere in a brand new shirt or hat. One of them, 'Arizona', stuck his tongue out constantly and Greg swore it looked like a snake's tongue. Least he mention his eyes that in certain lights looked like a corn snakes. The Appalachian 'states' were the worst; in the shadows it looked like they had antlers, and since deer shed every winter, sometimes they looked bloody! 'California' was sometimes just a shadow with shining white dots where his eyes should be.
And the least he said about 'Gov', who looked in normal light like the most normal one out of all of them but in certain lighting had way too many sharp teeth, eyes that changed shape and that suit....that fucking suit, the better.
Ryan: (VO) Others say they are gods worshiped as far back as pangea, who are wandering around earth looking for new followers, and since they're no longer worshiped their forms are weak.
Shane: I bet the way to worship California is a daily-free iced coffee with some ten dollar bagel from Whole Foods
Ryan: He heard you say that.
Shane: Oh what's he gonna do, raise property taxes even more?
Greg sounded mental, but his friends believed him and pointed him towards this Buzzfeed Unsolved episode. And everything made sense, everything Ryan said made sense. But this was impossible, no way these humanoid cryptids were one, real and two, living in a house together. There was no way. No way this was possible.
The sound man jumped a foot in the air and tossed his phone to the back seat at a tap on his window, glaring at 'Florida' who waved.
"Hey my favorite sound guy! Watcha doing out here? Indi made cupcakes!" 'Florida' announced.
"Just....just getting ready." Greg mumbled getting out of the car. He opened the backseat and retrieved his phone and recording equipment. "How long were you out there?"
"Just long enough to see you turn into a crab. You're lucky it was me who found who and not Maryland, he would've tried to dump Old Bay on you." 'Florida' laughed. In the sunlight, briefly, Greg swore he saw 'Florida's teeth grow sharper, almost like an alligator. Greg shook his head.
"Well c'mon. Let's see what Indi made." Greg mumbled to Florida's little cheer, the smaller man pulling him towards the house. He didn't know what to believe anymore.
Ryan: (VO) Are the Cryptid States real and are they still wandering around America? Or are they just ancient lore that people on the internet think they've seen.
Ryan: (VO) For now, the Legend of the Cryptid States remains....Unsolved
