Mistakes We Can't Laugh About (Loser #2)

Chapter 36

Chapter 36

I walked along the street cursing myself. Alam kong hindi dapat ako magalit kay Leon dahil hindi ko naman hawak ang buhay niya. I had no control over who he got along with . . . at wala rin namang ginagawang masama sa akin si Psyche. It was just my jealousy acting up.

Alam kong mahal niya ako pero hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang mayroon ang babae na hindi niya maiwan-iwan. He knew I was mad at her . . . at them. Why would you get in touch with people who hurt the one you love?

I sighed. Wala, balik na naman sa umpisa. It was a vicious cycle that could only be broken by me, but why did I find it so painful to deal with the fact that at some point in his life . . . he betrayed me?

From: Mill

Susunduin kita.

I was too preoccupied to reply. Naghintay na lang ako sa kanto at ilang minuto lang ay nakarating din naman agad siya. She didn't say anything. We just went home quietly. I pretended like everything was fine, but I couldn't help but go to sleep thinking about how I should never have kissed the man who had hurt me.

Kakausapin ko siya . . . pero hindi ngayon. I knew deep down that I wasn't mad; I was just disappointed.

Nang dumating ang Lunes ay naabutan ko siya sa labas ng opisina namin, may hawak na dalawang tasa ng kape at parang naghihintay sa akin.

When he saw me, he put out his arm to hand me the other cup, as if he wanted to say something, but I just shook my head.

"Not today, Leon," I dismissed.

Hindi ko na hinintay na makapagsalita pa siya. I opened the door to the office and made my way in. Oras ng trabaho ngayon. Our personal issues should be set aside. Maraming pasyente at kliyente ang kailangang unahin.

Mukhang naintindihan niya naman ako dahil hindi niya ipinilit ang gustong mangyari. While working, I kept wondering if I could handle knowing that he was still in touch with not only Psyche, but also my biological parents.

Alam kong mas mabigat ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya kaysa sa galit ko sa mga magulang ko kaya alam kong kakayanin ko 'yon. Just . . . not today. Malaking sampal pa sa akin ang pagtawag sa kanya ni Psyche. And learning that she must have done that for years, as if calling him was a normal thing, made me feel . . . insecure.

Wala na akong pakialam sa mga magulang ko, pero mahal ng nanay ko si Psyche. She took care of her, treated her gently, and loved her in every way. Saksi ako roon nang inayusan ko siya noon, at sa mga nagdaang taon, hindi ko kinainggitan 'yon.

May mga tao rin naman kasi akong matatawag kong akin. I had Karsen, Mill, Kat, Shaira, Meg, and Zoey. I had friends who bound me in ways that went beyond blood; they tied me in knots of shared laughter and bled with me in my deepest grief.

Kaya siguro ganito kasakit at kabigat . . . kasi inaasahan kong kabilang si Leon sa kanila.

'Yong may kasiguraduhan ako na akin siya at wala akong kaagaw sa kanya.

Gusto kong ako naman ang unahin niya. Ang nararamdaman ko, ang opinyon ko. I wanted him to be so loyal to me to the point where he could never cross paths with anyone I was jealous of . . . where his anger was directed at those who had hurt me.

Gusto kong kampihan niya ako . . . piliin. Na bago siya gumawa ng isang bagay, gusto kong itanong niya muna sa sarili niya kung masasaktan ba ako.

It was selfish . . . but that was what I wanted. I wanted his loyalty only to me. I wanted the assurance that he was mine and that he would never sell my emotions again. I wanted him to make a stand, and I wanted that stand to be where I was. Hindi siya gigitna sa akin, sa mga magulang ko, at kay Psyche.