Mistakes We Can't Laugh About (Loser #2)

Chapter 45

Chapter 45

In humanistic psychology, it was believed that people were inherently good. That if their lives weren't so full of shit and junk, they wouldn't make morally wrong decisions.

Hindi ko kinuwestyon iyon noon man. At some point, I believed it too. Na kung hindi dahil sa nangyayari sa atin, hindi tayo gagawa ng mali. Our choices were influenced by the society we were raised in. Dapat ganito . . . dapat gan'yan . . . at kapag hindi mo naabot ang pamantayan nila, magiging sanhi ka lang ng dismaya.

That's why a lot of people tend to do bad things. They tell blatant lies to gain mercy. They changed themselves to fit in. They sell their morals to buy the approval of others.

But then, if we kept taking these people in, they wouldn't realize what was wrong. If we kept agreeing with their reasons, they wouldn't think about the results of their actions. If we kept looking the other way when they did wrong, they would think that justice was just a myth.

Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko nang magmulat ako ng mata. My vision was still blurry, but I knew I wasn't in the apartment. Tumingin ako sa gilid ko at napansin ang nakayukong lalaki. Hawak niya ang kamay ko at hindi ko na kailangang magtanong pa kung sino siya gayong kilalang-kilala ko ang init ng palad niya.

"Leon . . ." I said weakly.

Agad ang pag-aangat niya ng tingin sa akin. The moment our gazes locked, I saw the extreme fear in his eyes. So extreme that it broke through his glasses.

Wala siyang inaksayang panahon. He called a nurse and told her to inform a doctor to come see me right away, as if my case were an emergency. Pinanood ko lang siya, puno ng pagtataka ang dibdib kung bakit siya ang kasama ko gayong si Mill ang huli kong kausap.

"She's over fatigue."

Bukod doon ay wala na akong naintindihan sa sinabi ng doctor. My attention was drawn to Leon and the way he asked everyone what measures should be taken to ensure that this would not happen again.

Naramdaman ko ang pagkirot ng puso ko.

Alam ko namang pagod na ang katawan ko. All my life, I worked nonstop. No'ng bata, sa ampunan, para may maibaon sa eskwela, kailangan naming magtinda ng sampaguita o magtahi ng mga butas sa sako. No'ng mag-highschool, nag-aral akong magmake-up para magkaroon ng sariling pera dahil maraming gastusin at wala naman akong puwedeng daingan. No'ng college, hindi ako tumigil sa pagtatrabaho para may matirahan kami . . . para may maipambayad sa pag-aaral at maipanglaman sa sikmura. At no'ng makapagtapos . . . hindi pa rin ako nakahanap ng oras para makapagpahinga.

I worked so hard for myself. To become better. To improve.

Wala akong tigil. Hanggang ngayon. Kahit may kakayanan na, masyadong malupit ang mundo sa akin para hayaan akong makahinga manlang.

I was so used to being tired that resting felt illegal anymore.

"Amari . . ." Leon called me, his voice soft and kind.

My lips quivered . . . and before I knew it, I broke down into tears . . . again.

Naalala ko lahat. Mula sa mga pinagdaanan ko hanggang sa naging dahilan kung bakit ako nandito.

The hands reaching for the head cleaner. The pleas asking for help. The delusions and hallucinations. The hunger and innocence.

Naramdaman ko ang mahigpit na yakap sa akin ni Leon. I was shaking, trembling in horror. A lot of people died, thinking that they were in that fucking laboratory because they were bad! A lot of them starved! A lot of them asked for help but nobody . . . nobody in that firm listened!