Safe Place (MacauChay FF)

Chapter 16: RIP to My Youth

*Extra-Extra chapter this week**

**TW: Talk of SA of a Minor and Suicidal Thoughts** (I'll mark where it ends)

The boys walked to the beach, not caring what the group was doing at that point. They just wanted to be with each other, and decided to sit down side by side with the waves coming up inches away from their bare feet.

Macau didn't need to, but he explained to the boy that he wasn't raised in a loving household. Chay knew that at least, but he didn't know the extent of it all. Macau was worried that if Chay knew all the things he had done, that Chay would run away. Still, he wanted the boy to know.

When Macau was in high school, in his junior and senior year, Gun had spoken to him without Vegas' knowledge. He wanted the boy to do whatever it took to get in good relations with the drug dealers that Macau was already in touch with. That meant doing any and everything they asked of him.

Macau wouldn't go as far as sex, but he had to please the dealers in order to get what Gun wanted them to do. Macau knew what he had Vegas do for the big shot business men. Thanks to the hole in the wall of Gun's office, Macau would eavesdrop and listen in horror as Gun sent Vegas to do unspeakable things with the grown men.

Macau hoped that his father wouldn't ask him to do the same, but he was in denial. It all came crashing down on him when Gun first brought it up. Macau almost cried in front of Gun, but held back as his father explained that it was for the family. He couldn't believe that his very own father could ever ask him to do these things. He didn't have a normal father, though, and he knew that all too well.

Inside he wanted to scream. He wanted to tell Gun that he was asking for too much, and that it wasn't fair to him or Vegas. He wanted to yell at the man and tell him he hated him, but this was Gun. This was the one who he desperately wanted to please. He thought that if he did these things that Gun would treat them better, and maybe take it back later on.

Gun never took it back. He never cared what happened to them, or what they had to do for him. He wanted power in all areas he could get, even at the risk of his own sons. Gun knew both of them would do anything he asked.

Macau was naive, and he went along with everything because he wanted Gun to see how he could be the perfect son. He wanted to be like Vegas, and do whatever it took for Gun's sake. Even if that meant his own safety and mental health.

For those two years, Macau killed himself inside. He let men grope and touch him as they pleased. He did what they asked and used his body to please them almost every weekend or even more sometimes. He hated himself for doing everything, but did it anyway and disassociated everytime.

He hated the way these men looked at him and was disgusted by the things they made him do. He didn't like to be touched, or even looked at by men even outside of these dealers, family included, besides Vegas. He would lash out at anyone who dared try him, because inside he had the desire to kill someone over it.

Macau was only 16, but felt like dying. There were moments when he wanted to throw his life away, because it didn't seem worth living. Everytime he left the house where they resided and sold out of, he wanted to die. He thought about different ways to off himself all the way home.

Should he jump off the bridge? Or use one of the many guns in the minor family house? He could use a razor from his shaving set, because he could easily look past the physical pain that didn't even come close to the pain he felt inside. He could just step out in front of traffic, but thought that it wouldn't be fair to the people who would hit him. They shouldn't have to live with the consequences of his actions.