A journal I guess

What a sorry life.

We'll be there when the world slows down,

And the sunbeams fade away.

Keep the time,

By a pendulum,

As the fabric starts to fray.

Well, guess what, you weren't there. Remember that song playing on repeat? God. God, you, I miss you all. But there's only a fragment of you left. Not even that. You were my family. Everything I could ever hope for. What happened to you? What happened to us? Even I don't know. All I know is that this torment keeps playing on repeat, over and over, and it always ends the same. I will never get to see your smile, or your laugh, ever again. Somehow I lost track of just how, how irreplaceable those simple moments can be. I miss you. I want to say I hate you for being so weak, I want to say everything I couldn't tell you then, but none of it is even your fault. There is nobody to blame, and that frustrates me more. NOTHING IN THIS FUCKING WORLD CAN FIX IT, NO AMOUNT OF BLAMING AND POINTING FINGERS WILL CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED. And that makes me so angry. What's the point of this? Going through it over and over again, watch you lose yourself to the darkest pits of hell, not being able to do shit about it because I'm just a human with special sight. I would gauge my eyes out if it would change something. ANYTHING.

You were all human once. Normal people. And I watched your rise, and your fall, I laughed with you and I cried with you. And now you're...something I can't recognize. And that doesn't even scare me, no, I'm beyond that point. It makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, a hundred times over. I MISS YOU. I don't mean your presence, I mean the real you. The you that you used to be. I was there when your mind fell apart for the first time. The panic, the absolute helplessness, I've endured that a billion times over. Not being able to help the person begging you with teary eyes to end their fucking life, because they can't stop themselves from eating, killing, and torturing everything they love, is the worst thing anyone could ever experience. I would rather throw myself off a cliff, eat glass, and step on every lego, than endure that pain again. But it never ends.

It won't let us die. And you know that, we all know that, that we can't be put out of our misery no matter how hard we try. The first time you dragged yourself through the door with bloodied clothes, I don't know how, but I knew what you had tried to do. Maybe it was the twisted expression on your face, maybe it was the tears streaming down your face, or the hatchet hanging from your neck, but I knew. Haha. Don't even try to take control right now, you sassy fuckface, you have no right. I'm not the same frail person I used to be. You know that. You can eat shit for taking away my friends, how about that? YOu think I WOuldN't RemMEBer? EvERy SINgLE TIME YOU TOOKK EVERYTHING AND LAUGHED ABOUT IT LIKE THE MONST DFC HB

UGH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN>FUCKFACE

Okay, the truth of the matter is, I do want to die. You probably figured alREadDU. I wish I could be drowning in my own blood right now. Well, I have, many times, but the thing is, I don't die from it. Neither of us do. It just GOES AWAY AND SUDDENLY WE'RE STANDING ALL FINE AND DANDY, LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

WELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I JUST GOT TORN INTO A MILLION PIECES? CLASSIC.

SHUT UP. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.

SHUT YOUR FACE FOR TWO SECONDS< YOU SICK FUCKING

Why them, why THEM of all PEOPLE WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THE PEOPLE I LOVE

AND YOU'RE GONNA SAY SOME STUPID FUCKING SHIT LIKE "YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND", WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND HERE, THERE'S NOTHING TO JUSTIFY WHAT YOU ASSHOLES HAVE DONE, NOTHING IN THE WORLD WILL BRING THEM BACK

They spiraled into, into something I can;t ever pull them out of, ever. My friends. My sweet, loving friends. The same friends that held me when I couldn't stop crying. The same friends who made me laugh, the VERY SAME ONES I shared everything with, they're alive, but are they really alive anymore? They're dead to me. You permanently changed them, so much that I can't even...remember what their faces looked like before that look in their eye came about. That dark, cold, and absolutely...absolutely mad look that YOU gave them. I can't stand it, not for a single second. You took my amazing friends and you made gut wrenching beasts who don't even recognize me properly. Rosie? IS THAT YOU? CAN I FRY YOU LIKE SEAFOOD? I WANT TO FEEL YOUR SOFT SKIN ON MY FINGERTIPS, WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE, ROSIE COME HERE, COME HERE I SAID COME HERE

YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU RIGHT, JUST STAY NICE AND STILL FOR ME, BE GOOD, BE GOOD

I feel sick to my very core, I can't even, I can't even continue this. This was just a bunch of incoherent rambles because I can't even begin to, to express the pain I feel right now. My friends. These aren't my friends. They're, they're something else. The same face, the same laugh, the same smile, but IT'S NOT THE SAME, YOU'RE NOT THE SAME, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GOD PLEASE DON'T HURT ME ANYMORE WITH THAT FACE

They're not even dead, and somehow that's so much more painful. Here, here still, but by god, I, I've truly lost them, more than death could have ever taken from them. I can't change anything. I can't even save my friends from, I don't know what I would be saving them from. Those warm embraces aren't warm anymore. Can they even be saved? It hurts, it hurts like a million fires set alight in my chest, and I can't even DESCRIBE IT. I want to get it out, I want to get all this pain out, but it won't leave. I can't find the words. Please, just, for anyone who's listening, don't...

Don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't helplessly stand by as your friend tears at, at their own flesh and yours. I, he ate her. Bones and all, I mean. Don't just stand there as your friend descends into ABSOLUTE HELL, PLEASE DON'T, I'm BEGGING YOU, it's a nightmare to, to see, to feel, god I can't take this anymore. I can't even DIE, NONE OF US CAN DIE, I CAN'T CUT MY HEART OUT BECAUSE IT'LL JUST BE BACK INSIDE MY CHEST LIKE IT'S NOTHING!

I knew these people. I loved these people. No, I, I still love these people. How could I have let this happen. All I could do was hold them as they tore their hair out and yelled and screamed, begging to die, begging to die, begging to die, begging begging begging to make it stop. I couldn't do ANYTHING. And I still can't. Some things never, ever change.

You probably don't even understand this chapter. I hope not, I mean, if you do, then you've experienced this yourself, and that's horrible. They're not human anymore, they're not, it took away everything that made them human. It hurts SO MUCH when I feel their hands running down my body, because I know it will never be filled with love and affection, ever again. It's empty, full of the same darkness that fills their heart to the brim. They remember me in some sick, twisted way, but it's not the same. It will never be the same, they will never love me the same, touch me the same, or look at me the same.

If I can't even help my friends escape this nightmare, what am I good for? Nothing, that's what. They're right, I am just a pretty doll. All I can do is sit there and look pretty. Not so talkative now, are you, Habit? There, you got what you wanted, I won't fight it anymore. You took my joy, my love, everything, simply by existing. I loved you, loved, because you're dead to me now.