A journal I guess

Mostly just an update.

I know I've promised a project, and I will get it out as soon as possible. The material has been difficult to work with and has taken longer than I anticipated. I hope it will be very eye opening. I am using the scientific method as a form of checklist to ensure this is as scientific as possible. But, often we'll find certain things can't be explained.

I wanted to post a little something to share my thoughts after such a long absence. Perhaps to check in with all of you. Recently, while looking at posts others have, well, posted, I noticed how mundane their lives seem compared to mine. That their worries and their world is so much smaller. Of course, their concerns aren't small to them, and compared to mine, they aren't any less significant. But from my perspective, they worry about such mundane things. I realize they have quite a lot of privilege in order to be able to do that. To daydream of tomorrow and think about how to get that perfect A. These are simple. They are normal and mundane. A world I know I will never be a part of. Something that feels so overly foreign and distant will never be my reality. But perhaps, that's just fine with me. I've always said I prefer what is familiar. It allows me to hang on to what once was. And even if I were not to hang on, nothing would change. I will never have what others do. I will never have that peace of having to only worry about the average adult life. I am responsible for a people who are lost, and must be found. I am responsible for myself and my own sanity. Unknowingly I have shown you where to go and what to seek. That is what I do, and what I always have done. I have always been the light at the end of the tunnel. The lantern in the darkness. The path in the wilderness. Although most do not ask for guidance, they are still guided. I am responsible for you. It's my entire existence. You will lose yourself and I'll show you where you've left it. I am less a person, and more a consciousness. Having lead so many lives will make you feel that way. You are many people, you are many lives, many memories, all at once. A collective. I have had the illusion of normality. That perhaps I could live my life as I had been before, oblivious and unaffected. But the more you push it down, the more it starts to eat up your insides.

I have this insatiable hunger I cannot fulfill. It's because of him. The bloodlust will not leave me be. Any I see, I have to keep myself from tearing apart. I want the flesh under my teeth. So badly. Perhaps I am frightening. Or disturbing, or unsettling. When I have bloodlust, I am. Something inside me changes. My body begins to rely on its instincts. It's so animalistic and hungry. I do not fear it. I fear how others will react to it. I've come to accept it as a part of myself. As something which has fundamentally changed in me. I cannot reverse the damage that has been done. It is up to you whether to fear me or not. Either way, I will not criticize you. I know I have turned into a beast. A bloodthirsty beast that cannot be satisfied. Is this what it's like for him every day? I can understand now, why they behave the way they do. It takes quite a lot of willpower not to, draw blood. It's like trying to fill an endless pit inside me, and no matter how much blood is spilled, how much flesh I consuME, IT IS NEVER ENOUGH.

WE CAN NEVER STOP FEEDING OUR HABITS.