LOYAL [TWD] (third book to TROUBLE)

confession

Nanami slowly closes the door behind him and Carl look over, sighing before setting his gun on the nightstand.

"Can we talk?" Nanami asks.

"Now you wanna talk?"

Nanami winces. Carl's voice was cold. Unforgiving. He just hoped he had it in him to change that.

"Look, I fucked up," Nanami slumps against the wall, "I know I did. I'm sorry."

"Do you.." Carl pauses,"Do you still have.. something.. for her?"

"No. No, God, no!" Nanami sputters pushing himself off the wall, "It just surprised me. I.. Well.."

"Well..?" Carl pushes.

"If I'm completely honest.." Nanami scratches the back of his neck, "I kinda forgot she wasn't even at Alexandria anymore."

Carl scoffs.

"I'm serious! So, when she just appeared out of fuckin' nowhere, it was just.. sudden. I felt like shit because I forgot about like.. her entire existence."

"If you're trying to make me feel better, it's not working," Carl shakes his head.

Nanami steps closer, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking up at Carl like a toddler being scolded.

"I don't know what I'm doing. Really," Nanami admits, "I didn't know what I was doing with her and then holy shit I swing the other way and then you're there. But, you've always been there and it was like I saw you but like.. different. Then, you made the move and I-"

"So, it's my fault I made the first move?" Carl asks, stopping Nanami's ramble.

"I.. yes?" Nanami blinks, Carl growing an agitated look, "No?"

"You should go to bed," Carl urges, nodding to the door.

"No, no. Please, Carl, I.." Nanami inhales and exhales, trying to get his head screwed on right.

"We're only here for tonight. Ezekiel will have an answer in the morning then we need to get back, so just go rest and-"

"I like.. Really. Really, fucking like you Carl," Nanami blurts.

"Nanami-"

"Sakiko told me that being in all this.. it changes you. And for us growing up, we didn't really learn like normal people how to open up and tell someone what they mean. Hell, I told Sakiko that I loved her for the first time in years earlier. It's just.. not what we learned to do."

"Are you saying you're some kind of fuckboy?"

"No, I'm just really fucking stupid."

Carl laughs. Nanami's heart speeds up at the sound.

"We weren't brought up hugging and giving compliments. So, I don't know how.. to do.. that," Nanami tries to figure it out.

Sakiko had also told him that it was hard explaining those feelings. Until she was with Ryan. With Ryan she could talk about her feelings with pinpoint accuracy. Because she loved him and he loved her. Her head was clear with him.

"You were raised different. You had a nice life. Good parents that gave more than a shit about you. I.. I don't know if I'm worth anything you give me. You're a natural born leader, people have been respecting you since we were kids. I only know how to fuck up and fall under the wrong impression of people until they use me how they want."

"You're a leader, Nanami," Carl reminds.

"But, I can't measure up to the leader you have been your whole life. I'm not half the man you are. You're like.. the good I see in people. You're the light in this world to me. You make things make sense. You're strong and reliant. You.. You're amazing, Carl. And I don't know how to cope around you to let you know all of that when one day you'll figure out just how much of a fuck up I really am and leave."

Carl tries to say something, but Nanami's lips wouldn't stop moving.

"That was the whole reason I was stuck with Sophia. And I know, it sounds wrong to say 'stuck' but that's what it was. I didn't know what love or like felt like. We were kids. We had similar upbringings with our birth dads being pieces of shit that beat the love out of us and then we were together in those woods and Sakiko was being Sakiko and then I was just.. stuck. Stuck without my sister, stuck with Sophia just because I brought her back to camp, stuck on the farm just because it was 'safe'."

"But, then we got to Alexandria. We got there and things weren't about just getting by or settling anymore. it was about living. We could have jobs and decorations in houses. Fuckin' video games and date nights and I.. I fell for you because when the smoke cleared from the outside world, all I wanted was you. All I saw was you."

Call Nanami Shakespeare, because where the fuck did he suddenly find the words to say what he felt?

His heart was beating so fast he could hear it in his ears. His face was red from embarrassment and confession of his rant. His hands were shaking so he pulls his fists tight like he was going to war with himself.

"Well, why didn't you just say that?" Carl throws his hands up.

"That's my point! I didn't know how to say it!" Nanami cries in exasperation, burying his face in his hands.

The ground needed to open and swallow Nanami whole. Drag him to hell where he belonged. Why did he go off like that? What if he pushed too much? What if Carl finally saw the real him and left like he feared? He ruined it. He ruined everything.

"Nanami," Carl calls.

Nanami whines, clenching his eyes shut tighter.

"Nanami," Carl repeats, grabbing Nanami's wrists and pulling them out of his view.

When Nanami's eyes open, Carl is on knelt down in front of him.

The words were gone. Nanami panics. His words were all gone. He used everything up and now he'll never be able to speak again.

"Stay here for tonight?"

"What?" Nanami questions, proud that he found that one singular word.

Better one than none, he guesses.

"I'm sorry for being pushy and jealous. Could you stay here for tonight? With me?"

"Here?"

Carl laughs, "Yes, here. I have to go back to Alexandria tomorrow. I'm sure you'll go back to Hilltop. Can we have tonight at least?"

"You're not mad?"

"No," Carl smiles, "I just didn't understand. I do, now."

Nanami's face lights up, grabbing Carl's cheeks and pulling him into a kiss.

He did it. The words worked. They saved him. They saved them.

"Wait.." Nanami pulls back.

"Hmm?" Carl hums, placing a hand on Nanami's waist.

"You said you were 'jealous'?"

"Don't," Carl glares.

"You were jealous? You?"

"Nanami!"

"I'm so good that you get jealous over me?" Nanami cheers.

"Na!" Carl complains.

Nanami giggles, leaning back down for another kiss that almost breaks as both guys smiled against each other's lips.