When Kat Came Back

Chapter 32

Ashlynn woke up Sunday morning to the smell of pancakes, bacon and coffee. She got up, went into her bathroom and did what one does in a bathroom after a full night's sleep.  She looked at herself in the mirror and realized she was still dressed in last night's clothes. She must have fallen asleep on the way home. She smiled, thinking Patrick had probably carried her to bed and then reflected on the night.

She bounced down the stairs and slid into the kitchen. And then she stopped.

"Good morning," Patricia smiled at her. "Breakfast is almost ready, if you want to set the table, please."

Ashlynn leaned on the counter beside Patricia and just looked at her.

"Ashlynn, I asked you to set the table," Patricia said.

Ashlynn smiled at her.

"What are you up to, Ash? You're actually being a little creepy," Patricia laughed. 

"Good morning, Mom," Ashlynn said, grinning and looking away. Patricia stopped, then slowly looked over at Ashlynn. She couldn't hide the tears that flowed from her eyes.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say that!" Patricia said, throwing her arms around Ashlynn, who stiffened because physical affection was something she still wasn't used to.

But, after a second, Ashlynn returned the hug.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," Ashlynn said. "I, well, I dunno. I mean, the last person I called 'mom', wasn't such a great mom."

"Ashlynn, I would have waited the rest of my entire life as patiently as I could for you to be comfortable enough to call me 'Mom'. I know what you endured - in a clinical sense. I may never understand exactly what you endured, but I know that learning to trust someone when the person you expected to keep you safe, didn't, can't be easy. You know we're all seeing therapists to help us all learn about how to navigate this. It's not something that happens every day, huh?"

Ashlynn looked up at her Mom and smiled.

"God, I hope not. Once is way more than enough," Ashlynn smiled.

Patricia let Ashlynn out of the hug she'd forced her to endure, smiled at her, put her hands on both cheeks, and looked at her.

"Well, my beautiful daughter, how about you help me get breakfast on the table, and we can really, and I mean really talk."

Ashlynn smiled at Patricia.

"Yeah, okay," she said, and then went to the cupboard and took out two plates, put them on the table in the kitchen, one at the head, one right to the right. Close to where her mom would sit.

Ashlynn took out coffee cups, spoons, forks and knives and went into the fridge to get the butter and syrup. Because she'd tried it once and liked it, Ashlynn also grabbed the strawberry jam.  She liked jam on her pancakes.

Ashlynn poured two cups of coffee from the carafe on the coffee maker, put them on the table, put out the cream and sugar and smiled at her mom.

"Good?" she asked.

"Great. Come grab this," Patricia said, handing her the platter of pancakes while she put the bacon on a paper towel to drain off some of the grease.

Ashlynn put the pancakes on the table, then put two on her plate, and two on Patricia's plate. Patricia came over with the plate of bacon and sat in the seat Ashlynn had set for her.

"I need to tell you something," Patricia said. "It's a little weird, and I don't know how you're going to take it, but it's something I feel like I should tell you."

Ashlynn frowned at Patricia, put her fork and knife down, and looked at her, indicating she was paying attention.

"So, and I know this is going to sound really weird, but, please just let me finish."

"Okay," Ashlynn said,

"Last weekend, while you were with your dad," Patricia said, and Ashlynn frowned. "I mourned Kat."

"Huh?" Ashlynn said, not fully understanding what she meant.

"I had sort of an epiphany. Well, my therapist helped me through this one. I've been waiting for you to be Kat. You're not Kat. You can't be Kat.  Kaitlyn died the day you were taken from us. You're Ashlynn. And I needed to realize that I'm never getting my baby back. I'm getting my daughter back, but not the baby I lost. I got you. I got Ashlynn back. And I have to stop thinking of you as Kaitlyn. I have to stop waiting for Kaitlyn to come home and welcome my daughter Ashlynn home. So, I mourned my lost baby, so I could welcome you home."

Ashlynn sat back and looked at Patricia.

"I want to say that's weird, but I think I get it," Ashlynn said. Patricia smiled at her.

"I feel like we might have started off on the wrong foot. I don't know that either of us knew what to expect or how to act. And I'm sorry if I, we, any of us, did anything that made you uncomfortable or upset. It's not that we aren't all thrilled to have you home. It's that we forgot we weren't welcoming home someone who had been raised as Kaitlyn. And since I'm your mother, and I'm the one who you're technically supposed to be living with, who is supposed to nurture and care for you, I was caring for Kaitlyn.  I didn't stop to think about the 15 years you weren't Kaitlyn. And so, I'm not thinking about you as my lost baby Kaitlyn, but rather my daughter Ashlynn. I do love you, Ash. And I do miss my baby Kaitlyn, but you're not her, and I can't expect you to be. And I'm not going to keep trying to make you be Kaitlyn. You're Ashlynn. And that's who I'm welcoming home. So, welcome home, sweetheart. You were so missed, and I love you so much,"

Patricia had come around the table and was hugging Ashlynn. She still wasn't used to all the affection in this family. And since Patricia had been so open, Ashlynn looked down at her hands once she sat back down and then up at Patricia.

"I have to tell you something, too. It's about all the hugging and the kissing."

"What about it?"

"I'm sorry I keep, like, stiffening or seeming like I don't like it, I'm really sorry. Karen and Brian... They never did that. I've never been hugged or kissed like you all do. And when you say 'Love you' when you drop me off at school, or whatever, I don't know what you expect from me for that. I don't know what that means."

Patricia looked at her daughter, sitting and now looking back at her hands in her lap. Her daughter didn't know what 'love' meant. She thought something was expected of her when Patricia said she loved her. Ashlynn understood affection, but she didn't know what love meant. It broke Patricia's heart to hear that.

"Oh, Ashlynn," Patricia said, tears coming to her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you lived like that. I'm sorry we weren't there. I'm sorry we lost you."

Patricia hugged her daughter and cried, holding on to her. Ashlynn held onto Patricia and also cried into her. Mother and daughter finally were bonding on a real, familial level.

Finally, both stopped crying, and Patricia held Ashlynn at arm's length and looked down at her.

"Ashlynn, I'm sorry I was waiting for you to be Kaitlyn. That was unfair of me," Patricia said.

"It's okay," Ashlynn said. "Really. It's not like you stood out in the store and said 'Hey, anyone want my baby?'."

Patricia looked at Ashlynn and laughed. And then she couldn't stop. Ashlynn got caught up in Patricia's laughter and started laughing herself.

Patricia sat in her seat and looked at Ashlynn as her laughter slowed.

"I think we're going to be okay, Ashlynn. I really do. We all have some work to do, and that's why we're all seeing therapists, but I think we're going to be okay."

Ashlynn smiled at Patricia. If only she knew that Ashlynn was still planning on returning to California.  By spring break. The latest.