Frogs

THIRTY-FIVE

I can feel it in the air—Something is wrong...I don't know what. But something...is off. I mean, Mondays often suck but damn...this is a special kind of awful.

I knock on Tanya's front door; waiting patiently for her to open quickly like she always does. But ten minutes since knocking the first time, I'm still standing on the porch, wondering if she's occupied with Terri or something.

"Come on, girl," I sigh. Then suddenly hear Terri cry hysterically from inside the house.

Gripping the doorknob, I realize it's unlocked. Was it unlocked this whole damn time!? Rolling my eyes, I enter and run up to Terri who's crying in her bouncy chair.

"Hey, bestie, what's wrong?" I ask. I pick her up and try to comfort the little princess. Glancing around, I spot half-eaten breakfast on the countertop. Walking over to it, I lay a finger over the plate and feel its' warmth. Hmmm. Confused, I ask Terri, "Where's mommy?"

Now calm and playing with my long feather earring, Terri points up.

"Smart girl," I smile as I run upstairs toward Tanya's bedroom. With Terri still in my arms, I open Tanya's door and step in.

Her perfume lingers in the air as I notice her face down on her bed. Laughing, I put Terri down to play with some toy blocks sitting in the corner before strolling to Tanya.

"Get up, girl, you're about to be late for work," I state as I push her. When she doesn't move, I shake her harder. "Tanya!" I shout louder, hoping a busted eardrum will at least wake her.

With Terri happily playing with the blocks, my heart sinks as I realize what's going on. Fuck. My body slackens as my eyes lie upon the now-empty Ambien bottle on her dresser.

~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Cradling Terri in my arms, I look on as the paramedics lift Tanya into the ambulance. She lies motionless on the stretcher, though with a heartbeat...a minor miracle in itself. She took the whole damn bottle. Deja-vu slams into my bones as my heart feels heavy with a far too familiar burden.

A blood-curdling screech pounces into my ears, shaking Terri and I. Following the sound, I see Shana swiftly exiting her car to embrace Terri and me. I shut my eyes at the squeeze as they quickly suffocate with heavy tears.

"It's okay, it's okay," Shana soothes in a cracked voice. Swallowing through warm tightness, I open my eyes and focus on the concrete beneath me, noticing a group of frogs by the tip of my shoes. Their eyes stare at me with serenity.

~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~

It's weird...how life plays out. I don't know....the feeling that is producing inside of me. It's brewing.

I could have helped her...I could have helped Tanya.

Tanya. Tanya. Tanya. What the fuck, Tanya.

Reclining against my bed, I swallow a deep sigh, letting it sit in my lungs for a moment before letting it go.

Shana has been on the phone nonstop since we got back to our place with Terri. I can't imagine how Tanya's mother sounded as Shana told her what happened....wait...I can. Heartbroken. She's heartbroken. There was urgency laced in her voice, wanting to save her and her granddaughter.

Shana has also been eyeing me, almost like she's making sure I don't get any ideas.

So fucking exhausting.

I should have forced myself on her. I saw the signs! But instead, I just asked if she was okay, invited her to hang out, and watched her daughter. Why didn't I fucking help her? I knew what she was going to do. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I failed her. I failed Terri.