𝗕𝗨𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘

𝟮𝟴. 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗼𝘀

Double updates so we can get to my fav fav fav chapter (30.) quicker? Yes.

Chaos.

A two syllabled, five letter word that describes my life pretty perfectly if you ask me.

Half a life in London, the rest of it across the world in New york.

On and off parents, divorce, re marriage, cancer, death.

Sharp blades, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs; weed, cocaine.

Back to back therapy sessions, a river of tears and buckets of anti depressants.

Parties, clubs, self destruction, a toilet cubicle, a boy.

Death.

Relapse, anger, pills

Over dose.

Psych wards, more medication, more therapy, more special treatment.

Stable.

A boy. Tattoos, fun, hope

Love.

It's all I have ever known, and maybe all I ever will. But for some reason, the thought doesn't frighten me almost anywhere near as much as it should.

And maybe that's the worst part, the fact that I have come to the acceptance that I'm not a seeker of peace. I don't strive to live a private life, filled top to toe with utmost bliss and serenity.

No.

I find peace in the noise that drowns out the voices in my head, or the traffic during rush hour in New York, sometimes even from the people I pass on the street, each one living their own life- roughly similar, or miles apart from mine. 

I'd much rather fall asleep to the sound of conversations whether they be quiet or loud, than fall asleep to the deathly silence that lurks between the four walls.

I feel at home when something has gone wrong, when I am not the only one on fire, when the world takes a break from burning me- and begins to burn with me.

And maybe it comes from a place of loneliness, maybe it helps me feel less crazy.

Maybe, it fills the void.

Because I am chaos, and chaos resides within me. Wherever I go it follows, and wherever I go I leave a trail of havoc behind me.