𝗕𝗨𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘

𝟲𝟭. 𝗥𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴

Song: Where's my love- SYML

I stare in the mirror. There's black circles under my eyes built from the sleepless nights, and a dent in my cheeks from the lack of food in my gnawing stomach. I attach my silver cufflinks, a present from her, never once did I expect to wear them to her own funeral but I guess life's full of unexpected first times. Black suit, black shirt, I pick up my only pair of black sunglasses and slide them into my chest pocket just incase.

Kingsley walks up behind me. Matching me bar a navy shirt. It's all so dark. Like the world is finally starting to look exactly how it feels.

"You ok?" I nod my head.

"Amazing. Best day of my life, actually." I stare right back through the mirror and watch as his face drops, disappointed.

"Sorry. Not the right question."

"I don't even want to come. Do I have to come?" He stops, as if he can't answer because he can't believe I could possibly say that.

"Yes. She's your girlfriend. Of course you have to come."

"She's not my girlfriend." I almost throw his words straight back in his face. "She's nothing to me now."

"Oh Grayson you don't mean that." I scoff, shaking my head. He'll never understand it, Beau was only a friend. He'll be over it by the end of the month and stuck with a girl who'll never let Beaus name die the same way she did. I turn to face him.

"I don't know. But I mean it when I say I hate her. When I say she's selfish." He stares at me like I've lost the plot, but I wish he knew I really had. That I started sleeping with her pillow just so I could breath in her scent, but now the pillow's soaked with my tears and the smell is slowly fading.

I wish he knew that I've started playing with a rat because it's stopped getting attention, and that this morning was the first time I took a shower, because I couldn't bare coming face to face with all of her products. I wish he knew how painful it is waking up everyday; alone, cold, with a sinking feeling at the bottom of my stomach and a blank mind. I wish he knew how much I really did love her, and maybe then he'd understand why I can't do it now.

"She's not selfish and you know that."

"No." I shake my head. "Do you know how many days we spent crying together? Fighting each other? All those nights I had to hold her so she didn't completely fucking lose it and all for what? Just for her to throw it straight back in my face because she killed herself!" I shock myself when my voice raises and Kingsley takes a wary step back. I swallow the rest of my sentence and taste an apology that I bite off on the tip of my tongue, because I'm never going to apologise for the way I feel.

"I'll see you in a bit." I walk away, on route to the vicar to pick up a few of the last things of Beaus before everything begins. It still doesn't feel real -the emotions do- but the event doesn't. It's like I'm still trying to tell myself where I am and what I'm doing. Almost as if the real thing is about to happen in five minutes, and once they're over, I'll still be as unprepared as I was before the time rolled around.