𝗕𝗨𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘

𝟯𝟮. 𝗟𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆

Regret is something I often talk about, maybe because I've felt regretful more than I've felt happy. More than I've felt sad, excited, more than I've felt nothing at all.

I felt it for the first time when the words 'I just want to die' slipped out of my mouth in front of my sister, causing her to break down into tears.

I felt it when the after effects of the first drug I ever took hit me, and I wished I'd never touched one at all.

I felt it as the realisation that I've started a new addiction, involving an easy to get a hold of blade and the skin that'll never leave me.

I felt it when I was found by my father on the bathroom floor earlier this year. I felt it again in the psych ward, when three words left my mouth two nights ago, and when I pressed my lips to another man.

But most of all I feel it now.

It takes over every ounce of my body. It covers the tissue of my cells, it runs in the blood that my heart pumps. It's all I see when I open my eyes to bright white lights, and all I hear when the sound of beeping machines nag on my ear drums.

It's the regret of making it.

A feeling I'm all too familiar with.

"Beau." I hear him, I hear him because I'm awake even though I don't want to be. But the sound might just have the power to kill me all over again.

A few moments pass before I gain the courage to speak, another thing I hoped to never do again.

"Grayson?" I already know it's him. No one else holds the moon in their eyes, and the sand on their cheeks.

"Where am I?" I believe I know the answer to that question too, doesn't take a genius.

"You're in the hospital Hampton. I'll go get the doctor." Something slips away from my grasp and I realise it was his hand in mine. I watch as he cautiously approaches the door, before announcing news that I'm sure everyone apart from me will be celebrating over. My father disperses from behind the heavy duty door, followed by a nurse with a kind face and then Grayson.

A few pitiful strokes get pushed onto my hair from my father, and I hope he knows he's the reason I'm here today.

It was never Grayson, he might have been the initial tipping point but I was never planning to do what I did a few hours ago. It was my fathers last words that made me lose all hope, and I'll be sure to mention it someday.

He speaks a couple of words to me, mostly just asking if I'm ok and if I want anything to drink. I shake my head to both before turning my focus to the patient nurse standing beside me. Her eyes are almost as dark as her hair but not quite, she's adorned in some navy blue scrubs that she manages to make look good.