Status: Open
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A workshop initiative by @TheSavantGirls since 2020
cover credits: @devianmisfit
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Warning labels: The book was deleted once by someone who has beef again...
Thirteen-year-old Thalia Ohinwaaa, an art prodigy fled from her abusive father but dies and gets another chance to survive in a cold, unforgiving place. Can she survive the tribe of the mysterious and ancient creatures known as Tara? An isolated clan thriving with giant wolves. Or will she die trying? Will she ever prove to her friends that she's alive?
Fourteen-year-old Nathanial Rheas, a funny and caring guy, tries to prove to everyone that Thalia isn't dead and he's certainly not crazy. Will he survive High School? His teen life and find Thalia?
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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not catch your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.
Overall review: Gorgeous cover and colours. When writers design covers using real-life models, they are hit-or-miss, so I'm glad you picked a good designer. However, 'chronicles' on the cover is misspelled. The blurb is interesting, I didn't expect the last bit would subvert the usual current wolf storyline. But the grammar threw me out of a loop and made me confused a little. Check it again.
The opening hook went straight to the jugular, great work. But right after was where several issues lied ahead. "...they lunged at me at lightning speed as I bolted and ran..." 'Bolted' and 'ran' in the same sentence were redundant. The same case with 'pleaded' in these two sentences, where they have a small gap from each other, "Frosty air exhaled from my cold, brown lips as I pleaded with them..." & "I stared at his cold, fiery eyes and pleaded, 'Please, don't kill me.'" Same with "...the snow that showered me in flakes..." and "echoed through the endless void as snow showered on me." This redundancy was only in the first chapter, and be mindful since this might have bled into later chapters.
Some descriptions were great, but some were clumsy. Like when the side characters were introduced, their histories were explained first and then their physical appearance. To me, it's better to reverse that order up and it would feel more organic. This paragraph of "I had chestnut-brown hair and deep green eyes with..." in the middle of Nate's thoughts of Thalia, was out of the blue. To place it naturally, you could let him compare himself and Thalia's appearance earlier on.
The pacing of the relationship was too fast. I couldn't see a proper development between Nate and Thalia. Sure, he was focusing negatively on her at first because he had a pull towards her like enemies-to-lovers, but he was antagonistic with her at the end of chapter 5. Then suddenly, he wants to kiss her in chapter 6. Probably not sudden in a literal sense since there could be a time skip. However, it's like parts of their relationship had been cut off or at least, Nate's POV had been.
Thalia has such a strong voice and I love it. You clearly showed the effects of her abuse, instead of just saying it, and she didn't wallow in self-pity. What I also love is the way you set up the social environments in her history, her current home, and her new school. No, of course I don't like anyone to be in her shoes, but you made them gritty, raw, and realistic. Cut and dry. You didn't weave flowery words into them, all while you maintained their depth.
There are many ways to cope with ongoing traumas, and some people sing about their own through many mediums. Nothing wrong with it, but it has a huge risk of being romanticised. Unfortunately, I found many stories here that fell to it. So when you showed how Thalia coped in a different way that is uncommon in the writing world, it got me invested quickly.
Your biggest enemy here is grammar. There were so many mistakes, I got confused and even had to re-read several paragraphs a few times. I couldn't list all of them down. This is a shame because so far, your story is unique and made me read past chapter 5. I hadn't done this with other reviewed books. Please use Grammarly (don't fully depend on it) and ProWritingAid and read proficient books when you edit this story because you have so much potential.
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