Status: Open
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A workshop initiative by @TheSavantGirls since 2020
cover credits: @devianmisfit
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Warning labels: The book was deleted once by someone who has beef again...
Kahina Orlov, a small illustrator living under a false identity is having a contract marriage to Aurelio Russo, head of the Italian mob. Such a strange marriage was suposedly brought on by Aurelio Russo's need for a mother figure for his 14 year old son. Kahina asks only for two things in this marriage. Will Aurelio fulfill his end of the bargain? Will they fall in love and turn this business deal into a great love story ? Will Kahina's secrets come back to haunt her and Aurelio ?
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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not have caught your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.
Overall review: The cover is beautiful, the words are clear, and the title is uncommon in my experience, so all in all, good work. The blurb is simple and forward, though I hope there will be a bigger hook to bring readers in. Maybe mention what are those two things she asked for or the reason why she has a contract marriage with a mob leader.
From Kahina's voice and narration, the vocab was not casual yet not robotic which was fine for me because from what I saw, she focused through a cerebral lens first. Since it was consistent, advanced words such as configuration, orientation, and ennui weren't sticking out like a sore thumb in casual situations. With that, her voice had a natural flow. Kahina was an interesting character because despite the lens I mentioned before, she was emotional, mostly on the inside, and seeing these two opposing elements meshed together made a unique reading experience. But if this wasn't your intention for her character, then I suggest that you should use more familiar words on how she perceives things. I really liked Leonardo's character in a short time, and while he was hot and cold with her at the beginning, he wasn't aggressively rude.
The content for descriptions was sufficient and not dragging—perhaps not elaborating on their physical appearances was intentional, although I might touch on the words used later. I had questions from the first few chapters about her story, but the bits of info given weren't confusing. I'm probably biased because I prefer stories leaving important tidbits along the way, instead of info-dumping.
While your choice of words was tasteful, there were misspellings. Like desesperation, excentric, resonnated, and reign (supposed to be rein). This bled into the blurb. The green pupils' description? They were green irises, not pupils. Also, I understand that non-native English speakers picked up different ways of grammar rules because of the way we were taught, so I'm speaking from what I know. There shouldn't be a space before a question mark, but there should be a space between the dialogue and the narrative text, and this applies to a few circumstances throughout the story. The commas and periods shouldn't be inconsistent in whether to stay within quotation marks or not.
I noticed a few words that were frequently used, especially for the story descriptions, and it will help if you lessen them in some chapters since they dragged at certain points. Some sentences do need the words, though, so discern carefully. Make the sentences or paragraphs succinct by combining, simplifying, or using word substitutions.
I suggest reducing your usage of the word "opulent" or its other verb forms. It is generally not used as often for descriptions, but it was glaring across chapters since you used it to describe anything elegant or classy.
Another suggestion is to reduce the usage of the word "feel". Examples of how to substitute the word are "...we draw closer to home, my eyelids are getting heavy," and "It's so comfortable that I'm asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow."
It would be good if you can reduce the usage of "have", especially in chapter 3. Examples of how to rephrase or substitute the word are "I must sign it by tonight," and "I told them that we met recently and took a shine..." Also, I suggest reducing "I"s at the start of the sentence, like "My temper is flaring up," and "Two hours left before the meeting." To avoid dialogues becoming text blocks, break them with more tags and action beats. It would make the characters more human.
Back to Kahina. She was interesting, but the way you wrote her focuses very much about what was going on in her head, which limits your readers from the rest of the side characters. Throughout the story, Kahina interacts with a few others but not as much as I hoped for. The fact that there are logical fallacies with her thinking and a lack of consideration for others exacerbated the dissonance between me as a reader and Kahina's character design. One thing I observed was that Kahina draws assumptions from her circumstances rather than accepting or considering that the side characters are making decisions out of their own free will. It would be great if you could show Kahina having more consideration for other characters—besides Aurelio—instead of drawing assumptions from her circumstances.
An example, "This was what I was here for, to fill this emptiness, for Leonardo at least, so I got to work. I sit beside Leonardo at the dining room table; he looks lonely..." After that, let her cook up theories on why the father doesn't have breakfast together with his son, where are the boy's grandparents, does the boy miss his biological mother, etc. This, "I subtly look over at him, or at least I think I am being discreet," let her tell us more about why she was watching. Let her wonder more. "His words are sinister, but I focus on the fact that it seems like I'm making some kind of progress with him." Let her consider his words longer. Show what makes Meredith her best friend aside from giving a gift, setting up a meeting, and her very brief interaction with Kahina, instead of telling. Like this, "I think she is just afraid of people shunning me or looking down on me since I don't have access to the same lifestyle or disposable income as them." Make Meredith indeed feel or think of this way by letting her talk. Because what Meredith did before this sentence could've been taken as just liking to spoil her friend with gifts in reality. Give her more dialogues and actions. The same goes for Aurelio's family.
I understand this is a first-person POV, but a lot of Kahina's logic drove me away from connecting with her due to her self-importance assessment or assumptions. But if this is a part of her character, then I can't say much.
Look up the words when you feel unsure of the spellings or their definitions. Watch the spaces, use of colons, and placements of quotation marks as well. Use Grammarly or ProWritingAid (don't fully rely on them) for grammar. I hope to see that you'll edit this book since the plot so far was pretty different from the usual mafia stories I had read.
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