Reverie Reviews

review #24.S3: Lost Eden (Book One)

Lost Eden (Book One)

Author: Bluelovesleep
Reviewer: LadyInLostYearn

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SYNOPSIS

"Where is the Saint?"
              Those words have been a statement since the Dark Night happened ten years ago.
              The United Kingdom was the start of it all, being completely wiped and considered unlivable.

              At the same time, a society of knowledgeable individuals, who called themselves the Hunters, promised to help humanity against the not-so-new threat.
              Those who were left behind fought day and night for a chance of surviving and retrieving what they had lost, while the few that escaped found safety in other countries.
             
Alexis and Krista De Angelis are twins who live in a small, traditional, northern home near the electric fence that keeps Europe safe from the Immortals with their caretaker and unexpected family in Lille, France.
             
While Alexis is close to finish her training to become an official Hunter and join a team with the most prestigious names of the Society, Krista is now being forced to take on more mature roles in the household after the celebration of their eighteenth birthday, as well as prove herself to her sister as a capable woman.
             
However, their safety is put at stake when the first girl of their city goes missing and gets linked to the series of unsolved and mysterious kidnappings that have been happening.

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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not catch your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.

Overall review:
Gorgeous cover. It's simple but really clean and eye-catching. The title is uncommon and the blurb is clear. Except, what is Immortals? You briefly explained what Hunters are, but not Immortals. Do they have anything to do with the missing girl? If yes, you didn't make a connection between the two. If not, why mention Immortals if they're not the main focus of the threat since they weren't elaborated on as what makes them dangerous? Being vague in the blurb is hit-or-miss, and the Hunter one helps. There are errors.  '...completely wiped (out) and considered...' '...close to finish(ing) her...' and '...with prestigious names (in) the Society.

Killed it with the world-building. I didn't know what was going on in the first chapter, but you managed to hook me in. No infodumps, no clarity, but enough info. Great work. You subverted the zombie-like creatures into beings of sound mind, and that took me by surprise. You made the characters alive and dynamic, which is even better. I could feel the tension between them. Yes, I wanted to punch the father. The progression was good, not too fast, not too slow.

The writing style, however, could use work. It seems you're used to 3rd person POV, but not the 1st. Like, 'I felt strong and loud pounds on my chest.' It should be 'Strong and loud pounds...' Another one, 'I moved my gaze in the direction of the flower bed she was pointing at.' It should be 'My gaze moved...' Unless she isn't used to her own feelings and bodily sensations, you have to be one with your characters in this type of POV.

There were twenty 'had's in the first chapter or chapter 00. It's not wrong to use 'had', it helps with the past tense, but some could be contracted, omitted, or you change the sentence altogether. Examples of omit like, "...like she promised she would." "He always dreamed..." "...she already rushed towards..." "...some creatures that tried to..." The frequent use of the word stifled the flow, be careful of it in later chapters too. Numerous of the 'that' as well. What I suggest is to search for substitutes for half of them. Some of the 'as' could also be replaced with 'when'.

I noticed you wrote these certain words that make the sentences sound awkward. Examples: 'Anything would be greater than the same film.' 'Greater' could be 'better'. '...tried to re-establish her equilibrium before she resumed her race.' 'Re-establish' could be 'regain', and 'race' could be 'run' or 'sprint'.

Some of your paragraphs had this repetition. One big example, 'She smiled when they laughed, but frowned the second her father's straight teeth disappeared, and his mouth formed a line when his brownish eyes landed on her. He never smiled at her the same way he smiled at her brunette twin. Well... he never smiled towards her, which was a different story. The blonde girl had never seen him smile at her. Only to his prodigy and to his wife. But never to the oldest of the twins.' Four smiles in one paragraph. The point was driven home a few times when it could be concise. You could stop at the third sentence and change it, like 'He never smiled at her, only at her brunette twin and his wife.'

Actually, concision is needed to balance the draggings in this book. At times, it gave this breathlessness. In Part I, ''A black bird cawed as if to warn the residents of that street about what was happening. It grabbed the girl by the gold thread of her necklace that, with the pressure, was cutting on her pale skin. The necklace broke, the thread marked with some of the blood from the girl's neck.' It could be 'A black bird cawed as if to warn the street's residents about what was happening. It grabbed her gold necklace, and the thread cut her pale skin. The thread broke, marked a little with her blood.' I suggest you read your book out loud to yourself and maybe to others. Hear if they sound right. 'Alexis nod her head' could just 'nodded'. 'He pointed to it with his finger' could be just 'He pointed at it.'

Grammar mistakes in Chap 1: (THe) father could already imagine... and ...more human appearance that (than) the others. Mindful of the difference between dialogue tags and action beats like, '"Close your eyes!" she looked at her daughters.' It's supposed to be 'She'. "...We will help," the woman slipped her hands away from the buttons.' This isn't a dialogue tag. Check other mistakes in later chapters because I found several.

But I know you and your co-writer don't have English as first language. I'm not a native English speaker either, so I understand the pains of this particular language. And I also know that this writing can be better when you keep learning. I could do it, you can too.