Status: Open
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Looking for a place to get a personal review for your story? Well, step in.
A workshop initiative by @TheSavantGirls since 2020
cover credits: @devianmisfit
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Warning labels: The book was deleted once by someone who has beef again...
They were each others angels in a world of devils.
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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not have caught your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.
Overall review:
The cover and title are fine, and I'd find it better if you put your pen name on the cover. The blurb, however, needs work. Despite it being a Harry Potter fanfic and any fan would already know who the established characters are, you've got to entice the readers with more than just one line. Ask yourself: what makes your work different from other HP fanfics?
The opening paragraph could've been good if the grammar didn't ruin the immersion straightaway. For example, 'Iris had never felt so nervous in her entire life, from the moment she stepped on the train she could feel her hands starting to feel clammy.' Should've put a full stop after life or use 'and' because the sentence onwards has a different subject. A comma after the train should be present since there's a pause before the next action. This kind of issue has been a regular occurrence throughout the chapters so far. There were misspellings too, such as '...sha hated trains with a passion,' and deceivement. Many missing full stops, and misuse of commas and capitalisations, so do check on them.
Some sentences were awkward and hindered the pace of the story. Like 'The boy seemed deeply intrigued in a book that he was reading that Iris couldn't recognise at the time,' felt a bit dragging. It could be 'The boy read a book that Iris couldn't recognise at the time, seemingly in deep intrigue.' Another, '...as the three came into the sight of him and his family plus Hermione and Harry,' could be just succinct like '...as the three saw the sight of him, his family, Hermione, and Harry.' Also, it's always best to transform digit numbers into words with a few exceptions. From this, "2 minutes sir, in fact now 1:45, 1:44, 1:43, 1:4-", spell them out into "Two minutes, sir. In fact, now is one minute forty-five seconds, forty-four, forty-three, forty—"
And when the two main issues combined, it was hard for me to understand what was happening sometimes. Such as, 'Sitting at a desk next to Neville Longbottom at 9 am had not been on Iris's bucket list. Neville had always been fond of Iris and too considered her as a friend of his. iris had always been open to making friends with people in her school...' When I read further, Iris took Neville as her friend too. I don't understand why sitting next to Neville would be a negative thing since not on her bucket list indicates dislike. Maybe I'm missing something here, but either way, I couldn't comprehend some.
I must also note that while the characters were dynamic, the scenes didn't slack off even though they repeated the official scenes, and a few special takes were applied, I wasn't satisfied yet. There were not enough facial expressions and sensations—groaning in pain wasn't descriptive. Not enough interactions between Iris and Draco too, and it's not a must, but more bits and pieces throughout the years would make us readers root for their enemies to lovers romance. Use Grammarly or ProWritingAid (don't fully rely on them) for grammar. Text-to-speech site is for detecting awkward sentences. Read more books outside Wattpad as well.
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