Unpredictable Match 2

Fifty

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CAM POV

"...I have grieved many times in my life, but never like this. I can say I'm hurting in a million ways. And I can make it as poetic as humanely possible. But the only emotion that I can express today is confusion. Yes, I'm sad. So sad and angry. But, as I'm standing here...I also feel overwhelmed with gratefulness. I'm grateful for the family that I do have here with me. And I want to say thank you guys for being here for us during this difficult time while we've been trying to process such a loss...This ceremony for our babies is a formality. I've already made my peace a while ago. I made my peace because I know my babies are okay. And I know that everything happens according to a plan. Gods plan, the universes plan, and life's plan. And there isn't anything that I could do or that Anthony or any one of you could have done to stop life from life-ing in the most painful way...While it is painful and unfortunate, just know our babies have not left us dry. They haven't left us completely. Takiyah, Tamiyah, and Ace may not be here physically but they are very present in spirit. I know that we will all meet again one day. And because I know that, I am at peace."

I look up from my piece of paper, finishing my almost ten minute speech and smile at everyone around me. If you would've asked me a few days ago, I would tell you that I didn't have a clue on how I'm going to get through that speech. But I did it. And I did it without crying. There are tears pooled in my eyes but the fact that they didn't fall is a win in and of itself.

We're only having a small ceremony. Rather than at a church or a funeral home it's taking place at the same beach Ant brought me to a few months back. It didn't feel to bury three tiny caskets. I know I couldn't stomach that. So, I thought to myself, why not pour my babies' flesh where I know they exist. I know they're in the atmosphere. Somewhere in nature. So, I'll put them there. We all will. Ant, the twins, Tyler, Zaniyah, Milan, Tyler's mother and I. I'm glad my circle is small because I kind of didn't want this all to be a big deal. I wanted to keep something so personal between my family and the people that I know genuinely cared for the well-being of my babies. And then I can finally close this chapter in my life. I just want it to be over with.

"That was beautiful Cameron," Tyler's mom smiles at me sadly.

"Yeah papa," Taleah nods in agreement as she wipes at her eyes, "that was beautiful."

"So beautiful, and vulnerable. Wow," Milan adds.

"Thank you guys...I spent a lot of time on it," I admit. I really did. Nothing felt perfect. Sometimes it felt too sad. Other times it felt like I was pretending to be okay. But I'm somewhere in between those two feelings and I hope my speech communicated that well enough.

I push my hair out of my face then look over at Anthony who is holding the medium sized case that carries the three solid black urns. Each urn has their name engraved into it. We opted for cremation. That's so I could keep some of them with me and also go through with the plans I mentioned earlier. It just feels right. I still wanted their flesh to be present while we grieved them in this moment which is why Anthony had the job, as their father, to hold and protect them.

Ant looks away from me eyes and slowly yet firmly nods to himself. We talked about this moment. After everyone else had the option to speak, I spoke and then he was supposed to as well. I told him he doesn't have to say a lot. He doesn't have to say much at all, but he should say something at least. Anything. And though I can tell that he's hesitant, he follows through anyways.

"Yeah. I wish I coulda did more now...Got a chance to be they father and figure shit out. Ready or not, cus it's my responsibility. And I woulda owned up to that. But I ain't even get that option. We didn't. And I know everything happens for a reason but ion know what good come out of this. The second funeral I ever been to is my kids. I ain't never think I outlive none of my kids but they ain't even get no chance to live yet. Even with everything going on they deserved they chance. They was developed enough to be here but I guess ion know...different plans. Maybe we wasn't ready yet. But when we are, maybe a something will happen and...ion know...they come back. " He mumbles. I put my hand right on top of his and caress it softly. I'm so proud of him. Not only for saying something so genuine, but also because he's been doing and amazing job being selfless these past few weeks.