Encounters With Abigail

Chapter Nine

     I am drowning. I'm actually drowning. She is already gone into the darkness, but I am stuck tumbling in the waves. I can't hold my breath anymore. I am going to drown with her. I let out the last of my air and my lungs burn with fire. The saltwater floods my mouth rushing into my empty lungs. Wake up or you are going to drown. Wake up!

  Bolting upright gasping for air I instantly begin sobbing, my bed sheets are soaked with sweat. I must have bit the inside of my mouth as its coated with the metallic tang of blood. The pain in my chest is leaking out and I can't stop it as it slides like thick tar through my veins consuming me completely. 

  My entire body shakes with the force of my cries and the harder I try to get control the worse it gets. I try every method I know but I'm still being overpowered by misery. I need to get out of here.

  Snatching up my abandoned gym clothes from the floor that I dumped earlier, I throw them back on and stumble toward the door. I've barely touched the handle when the panic attack that I'd been attempting to get control over completely cripples me.

  This is too much. I am drowning in memories. Drowning in guilt.

  Finally managing to get calm enough to move, I bolt out of my apartment and just start running. It's pouring with rain, I'm almost instantly drenched. I don't get far before I need to stop running since I'm gasping so bad that dizziness overwhelms me and after losing my stomach contents I continue walking absently trying not to think of anything but brutally reliving everything on a loop.

  Before I'm aware where my feet are leading me, I am already standing outside Abigail's door. I should leave. She doesn't deserve this but I selfishly need her desperately, I'm barely clinging on and I need her warmth, just for a moment and then I will go.

   My phone is still in my sodden shorts, pulling it out fully expecting it to be dead but relief washes over me when it glows to life. If she doesn't respond I will leave. It will be fine, I'll get a handle on this some other way.

Alex: Hey Abi, you up?

I will wait five minutes then go.

     Abigail: Yeah, what's up?

Stepping forward I knock the door.

     Abigail: Is that you?

Alex: Yes

  My body is shaking with the cold as it seeps into my bones. Just like that day. Rain streams from my hair and eyelashes, blurry images start snapping into focus and I need to keep rapidly blinking them away. 

  Using the door frame to hold myself upright anxiety claws its way through me and when the door finally opens, I practically fall into her arms. Abi stumbles a few steps back but quickly stabilises us. I urgently wrap my arms round her waist breathing in the honey scent from her hair. Abi holds me back but I start violently chittering, so she pulls away from me. I don't meet her eyes knowing I can't handle whatever expression is on her face right now.

"Alex what is going on? Are you ok? Alex, please look at me" her voice is panicked I should never have come here, the guilt gnaws at my chest. "Alex please."

"I just wanted to see you" I pull her back in attempting to absorb her warmth "I will just stay a moment then I will go I promise" my forehead rests on her soft shoulder while attempting to regulate my breathing.

"Like hell you will, you are going nowhere in these clothes, c'mon let's get them off so we can dry you out" she is failing at hiding the concern from her voice, I feel awful. My feet are rooted to the ground so when I make no attempt to move, Abi grabs my trembling hands dragging me up the stairs. Stumbling behind her until we stop in her bedroom.

  She turns on me looking like my mum when she was angry at me. It would make me smile if I wasn't shaking so bad. Closing the gap between us Abi wrestles my sodden hoodie off throwing it to one side.

  I try to concentrate on containing all the shit swimming through my head, I needed to get this back under control like an hour ago but I've opened a bottomless chasm of misery and guilt and I have no idea how to close it. What was it that therapist number three said again, his method used to work if only I could remember.

You Killed Her.

  Blinking hard, trying to focus on the present unfortunately the past keeps distorting my vision. I open my mouth to apologize to Abigail but a flashback takes hold yanking me back inside my head.

  I zoned out long enough for Abi to remove my shorts, now she is drying my hair off with a towel. I have no idea when she made me sit down. It is kind of comforting to be looked after like this, if only it wasn't for such an awful reason.

"Abi I'm so sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I was just walking, and my legs led me here. I really fucking wanted to see you, but I shouldn't have made you deal with this I'm sorry."

  She takes my head in both her hands forcing me to look at her "Alex as much as I'm happy to finally hear you speak, I really wish you wouldn't be such a fucking idiot. If I didn't want to deal with you, I wouldn't have opened the damn door" she strokes my cheeks with her thumbs and I bite the inside of my cheek to try and stop my chin from trembling.

   "Yes, I was scared when you fell through my door but I was scared for you. Terrified that something horrible happened and I wouldn't know how to help you." She leans in gently placing a kiss on my lips as a tear escapes my eye.

"I'm just so tired" I whisper

"Let's go to bed then" Her hands leave my face, lacing our fingers together Abi guides me to the bed, I watch her drop one of my hands to pull back the sheets. She climbs across the bed pulling me along behind. My shins hit the bed frame and I freeze.

"Is this OK with you?"

"Fuck's sake Alex get in the bloody bed" I do as I'm told and slide into the bed next to her. The soft duvet is tucked behind me and when she pulls back, I engulf her with my arms holding on tight and when Abi mirrors me I feel like I can kind of breathe again.

  Neither of us make any attempt to talk and I just fixate on the wall behind her head, eventually Abi relaxes in my arms, I assume she must be asleep. The wall goes from black to grey to white using the time to patch myself up somehow managing to contain most of the misery.

This is just a bad spell I've dealt with worse. it will be fine.