Encounters With Abigail

Chapter Seventeen

   My phone vibrates on the bed side table pulling me from my rare peaceful sleep I blink hard adjusting to the sun blazing through the window; I slide out of Abigail's grasp and pick up my phone. Anna has text me but before I even read it my eyes land on the date.

 Clenching my phone in my hands staring blankly. The anniversary is today. A lump rises in my throat and I try to swallow round it but it's rising too quickly, darting to the bathroom dry heaving as tears blur my vision. 

  My chest tightens before a hole is blown straight through me eviscerating every single one of my defences as I dissolve into a unrelenting panic attack. The room feels void of air as I desperately gasp for any oxygen. 

  I can't see anything through my swimming vision. My hands tremble so hard that  the phone I've been clenching in my hand clatters on the floor. Driving the heels of my hands into my eyes, I open my mouth to try to get any air in but a guttural scream rips through me instead. I'm chittering so bad that my whole jaw aches another scream makes its way up my throat and I slam my hand over my mouth to suppress it.

    She Died Because Of You

I'm sure that I faintly can hear Abigail talking but the thudding in my ears is too loud to be sure, another wave of nausea rolls over me while my whole body trembles violently.

      I need to see her, now.

   Somehow, I manage to clamber back to my feet swinging open the door only to be faced with a terrified Abigail. "I... I'm sorry...but...I... ha... have to go" I struggle to speak through my shaking body. Slipping past her barrelling down the stairs I grab my shoes and leave.

   I could find her with my eyes shut; having spent so many hours talking to her empty grave but when her face comes into view practically glowing on her wedding day, my legs crumble as fresh tears escape me. "I'm sorry mum. I am sorry I couldn't save you. I miss you so fucking much."

   Her last moments playing vividly over and over in my head. Clamping my arms around my rib cage attempting to hold myself together. I can feel myself disintegrating beneath my fingers as grief completely overtakes my mind and soul.

   "Might have known I would find you here" the sound of Anna's voice makes me jump but make no attempt to respond, her hand grips my shoulder. "I don't know how many times I need to tell you this but it wasn't your fault." The soft sound of her crying behind me has my brotherly instincts kicking in, forcing my numb body to move, bringing her to me.

 "I should have been able to save her. I was so close..." It's a choked mumble by the time the words make it to my lips.

  "You literally died trying to save her" She whimpers into my shoulder breaking my heart "I wouldn't be sitting here today if I had lost you both" Anna waits a while before quietly adding "I could never have survived that." We hold each other allowing our shared pain to flow freely until we are empty.

  "I don't come here. I know that mum isn't in there so I don't see the point but dad really did pick a beautiful spot for her, even if he is a colossal dickhead." A huge maple tree shadows mum with a small white iron bench underneath a smattering of daises planted at the edges of her gravestone, she is on a slight hill looking down on the town, it's peaceful.

  "Mum would like it, but why are you here anyway?" I ask confused by her sudden appearance here. 

  "Your poor fucking girlfriend hammered on my door a wreck because you stormed out in a state without telling her anything!" Anna punches my shoulder "she was probably worried you were going to throw yourself off a bridge you stupid asshole! Why the fuck haven't you told Catherine about mum." She is genuinely pissed off with me throwing another punch into my shoulder and I'm fully aware that I deserve much worse than this for my actions today.

"She isn't my girlfriend, I'm not really sure what we are doing, sharing beds mostly... Catherine has her own shit going on so I didn't want to dump my crap on her too" Her fake name feels weird on my tongue.

Anna sighs "do you think the way you left this morning is better? She was worried sick, probably still is right now." Anna grips my face in her hands, "you are eventually going to have to stop keeping people at arm's length Alex." She uses my old parental voice back on me and I can't help but smile.

   "I see the way you two look at each other it's like you have been together for years, and the way she smiles at you, fucking hell it nearly gave me a nose bleed." I feel my smile widen before she adds "and let's face it you were both practically fucking in my garden the other week." This sends heat flooding to my face.

  "Being near you both is electric," Anna rubs her fingers under my eyes, "even although I can tell that you are obviously not sleeping again, there is a spark behind your eyes that I thought you had lost. You need to tell her or end it; it's not fair to make her worry like this without an explanation" I know she is right I really do owe a lot to Abigail for letting me into her life.

"Well, I love her so there's not a chance in hell I'm letting her go" Anna beams her signature double dimple smile at me. I let out a long breath mildly irked that she once again has made me do something I don't want to. 

  "Fine, you are right as always. Thank you for everything today, Anna but if I'm having to recount this shitty nightmare you are buying us alcohol" I left with nothing this morning and will need to be somewhat sedated to get through this. Anna jumps to her feet, practically running back to her car, I drag myself behind dreading the next few hours.