The Bias

Chapter 44

Shehnaaz parked the car in the basement. The building had spaces alloted to the residents for parking. She got out of the car and moved to the lift.Some times some stories have strange endings. And theirs was a strangely sad one. The gods must have cried, seeing them.be so ill timed and ill fated. Her was heavy as she moved out of the elevator to the apartment,  her eyes ready to flood into sadness. Shehnaaz used the key, to open the door  and walked inside the hall. It was already five in the morning and the world had changed into a new day.

" Where the hell have you been?", her mother spoke seeing Shehnaaz enter.

Shehnaaz looked at her mother and then shook her head in a denial. She was so numb and so much in pain that she could not shed a tear. "Shehnaaz, what happened?", her  mother asked walking to her.

"Ki hoya? Tu.mainu dara rahi aa? ", she asked as Shehnaaz continued looking blank. And then as Shehnaaz looked into her mother, it came down, all of it pouring out. Her eyes watered and then ran into streams.

"Mumma!" She cried falling to.the ground. She held her face within her hands and hid it, breaking down. What started as a tear was turning into a stream of uncontrolled emotions.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Mumma. Fuck it", she spoke crying. Parminder ran to the door and closed it. A habit so ceremoniously engraved into their systems, that she thought instead of holding her daughter, the most important thing to do was to close the door

"Sana? Ki hoya?", she finally asked sitting on the floor, holding her daughter closer.

As Shehnaaz felt her mother approach her, she opened her arms and embraced Parminder, hiding herself in the mother's lap. No mater what, the first home a child had, was always her mothers womb. The very first safety net. The first blanket of protection and no matter how much the chains between them were broken, the mothers and daughters were always one.Unlike men, women actually inherit through their mothers. The pain and joys of their grandmothers were eventually passed to them through their mothers.

"Why am I like this? What the hell is so wrong with me? Why I can't I just be normal?", she spoke still hiding herself within her mother.

Parminder pulled Shehnaaz out of her embrace and made her face her. " Did someone say something to to you?", she asked wiping away the tears from the eyes of her daughter. " Calm down!", she added passing her the water.

"Mumma? I am so fucked up. I don't know what to do with myself.  Why is that i dont do any good?"

Parmider held Shehnaaz by her shoulder and spoke, " ki masla tenu? Ki hoya ? Ki keya ohne? Tu oh Shukla nu milan gyi si na?  ", ( what is ur problem, what happened? What did he say? You had gone to meet that Shukla, right?).

Shehnaaz looked back at ger mother. What was she going go to speak. How would her mother bandage her broken heart, wasn't she the one who made it bleed like that. Was it ever possible for the perpetrator to heal the wounded? Shehnaaz smiled and then broke into a chuckle. Only that the chuckle grew bigger and turning into a laughter, while the tears continued flowing out of her eyes. How lonely must a person be to confess the pain to the one who caused it.

" I don't feel anything Amma. Nothing.  There's just this emptiness.  You said that you were scared of me going away, you said that it would break your heart having having me so far away, that you would miss me. Miraal said the same, that she loves me, and that its hurting her to see me going so far. She said that she thinks its only affecting her and that I am not bothered.", Shehnaaz spoke geeting up from the floor, walking to the dining table and taking a chair to sit. "But pta Amma that's not it, ", she smiled saying, " what bothers me is that she is right. All the time this is happening, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I am completely numb to everyone.  I don't think that I love her, or I love you. I am not even bothered about not being able to see her again, or going away from from all of you. You know Siddharth said that he's in love with me. And me mom, well I fucking Don't feel anything. I even asked him to marry me, because he would have wanted that,  not because I want that. I didn't want him to be hurt, so I offered him the marriage. But its not scaring me, going away from him. What did you do to me amma? What did I do to myself?  I don't feel anything,  no happiness, no sadness.  No joys, no sorrows.  I am not even excited about going to USA. I can't feel anything. Nothing. And if I ever do feel anything,  it's so painful that I want to rip myself apart. There is this rage and hatred and guilt inside me, that comes out. And I  think it would burn everything down. That's the only thing that i actually feel." She spoke looking into the eyes of her mother.