Black Hole

Hide, Don't Cry

"Hide, don't cry. Hide your tears 'cause no one will even care if they saw them, there's no use in advertising them." I would tell myself whenever I felt like crying in class. I would walk past everyone's smiling faces wishing it was me. I so wanted to be happy but I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to smile and have a good time or how to keep a conversation going or how to smile without feeling the pain of all the times I had to fake a smile. And that made me so angry.

I had so much rage mixed with so many other emotions and it frustrated me so I shut down. I didn't know how to deal with it and that's when I thought of the many ways I could kill myself and just imagining it made me feel a bit at ease. I didn't know why but it did and I wasn't complaining. I was tired of crying, being in pain and most of all I was tired of living. But I wasn't ready to leave just yet. I still had some things to say before I go. It wasn't fair for me to leave without a few words to those that caused me pain. But for now, I will hide.

I couldn't help but notice Hunter staring at me in class. I didn't think much of it until he did that in all my classes. I was kind of creeped out, but I wasn't going to talk to him. I didn't want him to ask any questions. I know that Hunter was a nice guy but I can't be fooled by anyone so I tried my best to not see the good in him and the only way to do that was to remind myself that he used to be an addict. I felt a bit guilty for doing that but I had to if I didn't want him to fool me just like everyone in my life. I had to cut all of them out and I didn't want to let someone in just to cut them out. It's useless.

I wouldn't waste my time opening the door and letting people in. I just can't. I rather hide and push everything down.