Black Hole

Dying On The Inside. Smiling On The Outside

My father was getting married. I was both happy and sad. But mostly sad. I was happy because my family got the light that it always needed, I was sad because Father ignored me my whole life, told me I was weak and now he's getting married and he expects the wounds to be healed. I don't think he knew I was wounded, maybe he thought I was scared. But I wasn't. I was wounded and the wound was infected with hate, anger, and denial. And the saddest part is that I'm protecting him. I'm protecting him from pain, the that he caused. My friends think my life is hard cause everyone thinks I'm a psycho but that's not enough to break me if anything it's true. I'm protecting the people that made my life hell from the pain that they caused. I must be a psycho.

I was having dinner in my room as always when I thought of something profound."Pain changes people. Some become rude some become silent. They said  I changed a lot. I said a lot changed me. When your heart gets too heavy with pain, people don't cry. They become silent, COMPLETELY  silent. My silence means I am tired of fighting and now there's nothing left for me to fight for. My silence means I'm tired of hinting about my feeling to you but now  I don't have the energy to hint them anymore.  My silence means I've adapted to the changes in my life and I  don't want to complain. My silence means I'm just trying to move on with all of my dignity. An apology without any changes is manipulation and that's what I've gotten all my life. Silence is better than unnecessary drama. People who don't understand your silence will never understand your pain. Silence is a woman's loudest cry." It was a mix of all my favorite quotes. I love them all because it is true.

I became silent whenever I was in pain, I was never rude. Everyone at school said I had changed, but I think it's the exact opposite. My heart was filled up with pain then my throat was clogged and I became silent. I would hint signs in class but of course, no one noticed now I don't have the energy to anymore. I have new boundaries, and new rules and  I have settled, yes, they are hard but I'm not complaining. Daniel did apologize but there was no change. And I kept it cause I didn't wanna cause unnecessary drama. And really what's the point of speaking out if she won't even understand my words? Silence is my cry for help.