The Path To You

31. My road

Connor POV:

The silence stretched on for another minute as I anxiously shook my leg. I couldn't stop twitching with nerves. I didn't know why today was different but I just couldn't get myself to break the silence.

"We can keep sitting here but you're the one that called this emergency session." My therapist Kristine said.

I was tempted to stay silent, to just sit here and refuse to talk about it. But I couldn't do that. Everything was bubbling to the surface and I wouldn't survive if I didn't let it out.

The abuse and those years in high school weren't avoidable anymore. It was time to start to face some of it head on instead of hiding from it.

"I had a nightmare." I forced the words out.

"Did you want to talk about it?" She asked waiting patiently for whatever I was ready to share.

I wanted to go through the events of the nightmare, the horrors that happened after. I wanted to put it out there so maybe I could finally deal with it but part of me was holding back. I didn't think I was quite ready yet.

"No, maybe, I don't know." I shrugged.

"You don't need to talk about anything you don't want to but it might help. You've been bottling a lot of this up for years." She advised.

I fidgeted in my seat again. I couldn't stop as the nervous energy flowed through me. I twisted my fingers until they were an uncomfortable mess in my lap. I wanted to talk but I didn't know exactly how to even start.

"I saw Tiffany the other day. I was at the store and she came over to talk to me."

"You've never mentioned a Tiffany before."

I knew I'd avoided most of what I could when it came to Reid and his family. They had been my family too and I'd lost that. It was not a fun thing to talk about.

"She is Ronan's girlfriend. Her and Ronan basically raised Reid and I spent a lot of years with the three of them. They were my second family." I explained.

"So how did it feel seeing her again?" My therapist questioned.

"I guess I knew I'd see one of them again but I just wasn't ready for it to be so soon. I've been trying to deal with a lot of my regrets over the years but this one is harder to face."

I didn't know exactly why Reid seemed to stick with me more than the others. All the other things I'd done to hurt those who cared about me, it was Reid who seemed to stick around longer. I had a lot of guilt for how I'd treated Jetson and my roommates but I'd let myself start to heal and forgive myself.

With Reid it was like I was stuck. I couldn't get myself to let it go.

"I think you're having a harder time with forgiving yourself for destroying your relationship with Reid because you haven't gotten closure. With everyone else you've been trying to make amends and proving to them that you've changed and want to do better. They have forgiven you and so you can start to forgive yourself. You've never tried to get that with Reid. You've just allowed yourself to accept that how things are between you two is how it'll always be."

I couldn't even think about trying to fix things with Reid. We'd had years and years of friendship. He had been like my brother and I had walked away like it meant nothing. He wouldn't forgive me for that, he shouldn't forgive me.

"He wouldn't want to see me, there's no point in even trying."

"How do you know that?" She prompted.

"I know him."

"Maybe you used to but people change. There is no harm in at least trying. Even if you can't fix things it might be good for you so this guilt you have doesn't keep weighing you down."

"I don't think I'm ready to see him."

It was a cowards move but I was scared. I didn't know if I could handle it if he told me to fuck off. Even after everything I still had this hope that one day when I'd heal enough that Reid might be able to forgive me. I had hope of getting my brother back and if I lost that I didn't know how I'd be able to handle that.

"That's fine, you don't need to push yourself if you aren't ready. This recovery process is all yours and you can take it at whatever pace is comfortable for you. However I do think that talking to Reid would be good for you. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready but just think about it for me."

I would think about it but I had a feeling my mind wouldn't change. I wasn't ready to face that regret quite yet. I was still trying to hold myself up from the guilt of how I'd treated Jetson. I loved him enough to keep pushing and not let myself get wrapped up in it all.

I was working on that every day. I wasn't ready to add anything else. Trying to tackle all the mistakes and guilt wasn't going to happen anytime soon. I had too much of it and I knew this process wouldn't be easy or quick.

Recovery was a road and that road had detours and bumps I couldn't avoid forever. I'd heard a lot of recovery stories in rehab. I had heard about the bumps and obstacles that got in everyone's way. I knew what was coming but still I pushed it back. I closed my eyes and avoided anything I knew I wasn't ready to handle.

I wasn't ready for my road to turn. Everything had been fairly smooth, I'd had nightmares and urges constantly but that was nothing new. I was used to all the bad parts so now as I tried to keep going I just had to sit back and wait for my first real bump.

And once I hit it I just hoped I survived.