The Path To You

44. Closure

I was on the verge of hysterics when Connor finally showed back up. I'd let myself get all worked up about where he was. I'd called him and texted but never got a reply. I'd gone through every worse case scenario and I was just imagining him dead in a ditch somewhere for the fifth time when the door opened and he stepped inside.

I felt a huge wave of relief as he walked in unharmed. He looked a little run down and tired. I could see how his eyes were slightly puffy from crying and the way his body was still tense from stress. But I knew he wouldn't be in perfect shape when he got back. I knew this morning was going to be hard for him.

I had just wished he'd stay where I could try to make it all better for him.

But I pushed all that to the back of my mind and went right to him. I didn't even hesitate to wrap myself around Connor and let myself feel that he was here and he was okay.

"I was worried when you weren't here." I said softly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Jet plane." He repeated over and over.

I gave it a few minutes. I let it rest for a little and was just happy he was here. I waited before I asked where he was.

Usually I'd let him come to me but today I didn't do that. I waited five minutes until I decided to push.

"Where'd you go?" I asked.

Connor shifted and I knew it wasn't going to be an easy conversation. Whatever he had felt like he needed to do this morning wasn't just an early trip to the store. I let myself prepare for whatever came next.

"I went to the high school. I had to see him, to prove to myself I could be strong the way you see me. I needed to be free, to get closure." He told me.

My heart felt like it stopped. Connor had seen his coach. All the other times he'd laid eyes on that man it hadn't ended well. I'd picked up those pieces before and now he stood here with puffy eyes but as whole as he usually was.

"Did you get closure?"

"No, I don't know. I got what I went there for, I looked at him and was able to stand up for myself for the first time ever."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know anything. I wanted to scream about how being anywhere near that man was a mistake. I wanted to hold Connor close and protect him from the world. I wanted nothing bad to ever happen to him again.

How was I supposed to protect him when he went off to see the person who'd hurt him the most without telling anyone. I knew I just needed to trust him but I worried too much.

"Tell me next time? I didn't like not knowing where you are." I said landing on the one thing that could make me feel a little bit better.

"I promise, I was just scared you were going to talk me out of it." He explained.

"I probably would have." I agreed.

"I needed to do it Jet. I needed to get free from him. I've spent years feeling weak, allowing him to control my life. I needed to want to live for myself again."

"And seeing him again was what you needed to do that?"

"I needed to be able to look at him and prove to myself he didn't have that power over me anymore. I needed to see he was just a guy and not some monster under my bed. He's taken so much from me, he's ruined me until I was nothing. I want to be something. I want to have something again."

"I want that for you too."

Connor sighed his whole body slumping as the tension released. When he looked at me I saw despair in his eyes. It wasn't over, whatever he had to say it wasn't finished. I was gearing up for the worst again. For him to tell me something else had happened this morning.

"Freshman year I'd thought I'd gotten free. I went to college thinking that it was over. I'd been wrong, I hadn't realized the mental hold he had on me. Even if he wasn't really there with me he still walked by my side whispering in my ear with each step. I didn't think I'd ever be free of him. It didn't feel like I'd ever be able to live without him holding me down. He was everywhere, in everything I did. I couldn't live like that, I didn't want to live like that." Connor paused trying to collect himself.

I didn't know where he was going but just the thought of how broken Connor had been. How alone he must have felt. Freshman year he had no one. He hadn't known any of his roommates and he'd fallen out with Reid. There was no one to pull him back up when he fell like that.

"It was the first time I picked up a bottle. I don't remember much from that night but I know I drank a lot. I didn't stop until I could barely even think anymore. The only thing I did know was that I was done living like that. I couldn't keep going so I tried to stop it. I tried to end it all. Obviously it failed, I was too drunk to really do it properly, I'd taken a bunch of pills but instead of dying I'd woken up feeling like shit and throwing up all morning. I'd spent every day since trying to outrun that feeling, to drown in something else just to make it to the next day. I'd never wanted to live, not until I met you. I'd been selfish with it, I'd wanted to keep going, to be better just for you. You'd been everything to me, my happiness, my whole reason to wake up in the morning. I can't keep living like that, I can't live for someone else. I did this so that I could learn what it was like to want to live for me. I want to know I can survive on my own."

It was a lot all at once but I took it all in with a broken heart. Connor had been low enough to want to die. He'd tried and failed. If he hadn't failed I'd never have known him. I'd never have met this boy who made me happier than anyone ever has.

He may think he needed me but I needed him just as much. Without Connor I was lost. I couldn't survive without him.

"If you ever feel like that again I want you to know you can talk to me. You have me and so many other people who want to help you, who love you. I don't want you to have to go through any of this alone if you don't want to. You can want to live for yourself and still accept the help from the people who love you."

"I promise." He nodded.

"I can't lose you Connor." My voice cracked as the thought of being without him broke me.

"You won't, you're stuck with me and I'm sorry to tell you there's no way to get rid of me. If you try I'll have you know I'm very stubborn." He smiled using his hand to cup my cheek wiping away the few tears the slipped down my cheek.

"And if I don't want to get rid of you?"

"Then it's going to be a long forever of me annoying the shit out of you."

"I think I can handle that." I smiled at him.

"I love you." He said quietly.

"I love you too." I answered not even having to think about it.

I'd love Connor every second of forever, even when he tried to annoy me. I loved it all.