to love a liar

mary jane

🧪Thx for being patient :)
🧪SMUTTTTTTTTTTTT to compensate for the trauma i've inflicted so far. anyway enjoy

Thoughts. Memories. Feelings.

All joined together, unified to torment you. These thoughts, flashes of your past, and these indescribable emotions. You followed them, each thing that flittered over your mind as your eyes flittered over the ceiling, a smooth surface without any cracks. A blank slate.

Artists relished the sight of empty spaces. All so they could fill the vacancy with colors of their own. They could paint the house they spent their childhood in, draw the first person they loved, paint the meadow they once kissed another in. But all in the end . . . what use is it? What do they gain by filling empty spaces only to leave them behind for new ones?

Is that what I am? Am I . . . an empty space?

Where did my artist go? Is he tired of staring at me?

"Hey," Eren poked his head into the bedroom, a cheery aura about him. "Breakfast is on the table." You looked at him, turning your head to the side lifelessly. "You need me to carry you?" he asked from the doorway of his room.

"No, I'm okay," you answered, voice apathetic. Pressing your lips in a forced and tiny smile, you said, "I'll be right out."

Eren smiled, unaware of any of your thoughts.

How soon till he's tired of this canvas? How soon till he wants a new one? One that hasn't been tainted by colors of flaw.

Two weeks had gone by since you were discharged from the hospital. Eren had been adamant on keeping you at his apartment despite Pieck's best efforts to take you home. You had gone down to the police station with Hannes and Eren already, reporting for domestic violence and filing a restraining order against your brother.

This was meant to be celebrated, something that would bring you a sense of security. But agony struck like a chord, severing all will and joy in your body. You weren't speaking to your mother since your fight but right now . . . you couldn't help but think that maybe you were doing the wrong thing.

You had to look at Eren to remember that you were doing what was best for you—the two of you. But being a burden on Eren at a vulnerable time like this was embarrassing you, so you chose to stay quiet most of the time.

Eren waited in the kitchen, checking over his shoulder to see if you were coming or not. A part of him wanted to say screw this to your desire to do things on your own and just rush in and give you breakfast in bed for the dozenth morning in a row. You would feel like shit if he didn't let you do anything on your own so he decided to keep himself busy in refilling his glass of juice.

He could tell you were down the last few days. An experience like this changes you. Taking the first steps to sever ties from your abuser is incredibly difficult, something many people don't have the privilege of doing. You didn't have that privilege for a long time, this was your opportunity though to grasp it.

You had grown quiet, inattentive. He would speak, tell you a story to make you laugh and all you would do was give him five seconds of eye contact and an unconvincing chuckle before returning to that other world in your mind. That other world that you wouldn't let Eren venture into with you.

The sound of your voice brought him out of his trance, "Sorry I took long."

He looked back, standing up immediately. Your hair was pushed away from your eyes. Your face looked a lot healthier than the day you woke up in the hospital. Health aside, you looked much more miserable.