Never Have I Ever

• Chapter Forty; Special Chapter •

I was stuck. Unmoving. I don't even know if I took a breath in the past three minutes.

I replayed the voicemails over and over.

"Hey, Gavin," Fai sounded a little breathless, "I just saw that you called. I know it's little late there, but it's twelve here at home so...I just wanted to call and say Merry Christmas. I forgot I had your gift in my suitcase, but I'll just give it to you when I get back, okay? I'll call you in the morning." There was a long pause and I all I could hear was his breathing, then it finally it ended.

That was first voicemail. The second was about five seconds longs. He was whispering, but there was no background noise. Maybe it was just easier for him to say it like this.

"I love you. Gavin. I can finally say it out loud. I'm calling to say Merry Christmas and I love you. Okay bye."

It ended again. I replayed it two more times and each time sounding more unbelievable than the last.

He loved me. Faiyaz loved me? Since fucking when and how long had he known that he loved me?

"Fucking Faiyaz." I mumbled, dropping my head into my hands. Love. That's deep. Too deep, more than whatever I was capable of feeling for anybody. We've only been together together for like two month, how could he spring this on me?

Except I can't even lie and say I'm surprised. Hearing it made it more real, yeah, but I think in the back of my mind I knew it was love for him. Time didn't matter to him.

I went to hit play again, but Eric stirred. My finger paused over the button.

Eric mumbled, "Gavin..." Voice was barely audible, "Come back." His hand was in the spot I was just laying it, reaching out for me. If he heard the voicemails, and I'm sure he did, he didn't say anything about them.

I moved his arm to finally lay back down, hoping my rapid heartbeat wouldn't wake him up even more. I grab the pillow from under my head and placed it over my face. I just wanted to scream into it.

His warm hand came down on my bare chest which didn't help my heartbeat situation. The pillow was taken from my hands, so I just glared at the ceiling. And for what? The ceiling ain't do shit to me.

Eric gripped my chin and turned my face towards his, "Are you okay?" He wasn't even half awake, his eyelids were barely lifting. I chuckled humorlessly. He had just came out to his mom and was about to live a whole new life, but here he was trying somewhat to offer me comfort.

He lifted up a little so my arm could slip under. I pulled him into my chest, "I don't know." I said honestly.

His head was tucked under my chin, "Me neither." He hummed against my neck.

"It's Christmas."

"Merry Christmas then." Eric told me. He kissed my neck. Seconds later he was back to lightly snoring, while I was left wide awake.

I found myself rubbing his back gently. He was so peaceful, I wanted that. Why let myself be consumed by my thoughts? I could just shut them off. At least just for tonight. Act like I never heard the voicemails, you know.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't call him back right now. I'm sure he was knocked out and leaving right now would be too disrespectful to Eric. So to ease my own mind, I texted him instead.

I love you, too