Illicit Affair (GxG)

SC: Yearning

TW ⚠️: This chapter contains content pertaining to suicide and self-harm, and readers are advised to proceed with caution.

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Solana

"Sol?" Sydney knocked a little louder than the previous days. But I kept on ignoring it as if it was just a faint sound, a dream that I don't want to wake up to.

That's what all I do for the past.. year of her being gone in this world.

And here it is again, tears threatening to fall as I wished to hear her voice rather than anyone else's. The white ceiling has been the only thing that I've been staring at ever since I woke up, until I sleep again. Hoping that once I opened my eyes, her face would make my mornings different.

"Sol, please come out. Ilang araw ka ng hindi lumalabas, you said you'll try to get better again. But Priscilla told me you haven't been out for a week. Please.. just open the door."

I positioned myself to the side, still ignoring her relentless knocks and pleading.

"That's it. I'm coming in." She says as I heard her rustling the door knob with a key. It didn't take her long enough to finally open it and when she saw the situation I'm in, a gasp then followed. "Oh.. Sol."

I avoided her gaze as I faced the other side of the room. I know it was a mess.

My room has been untouched for.. I don't know how long. I've given up counting days when I realized that there was no point of doing so.

"Solana.."

"Just leave me be, Sydney." It was the first time I heard my own voice after days of isolation. "I don't need you."

"Do you really expect me to leave after seeing your state? Your clothes are everywhere, your room is a mess, and you haven't been taking good care of yourself again. You don't even have any sunlight coming through your room kasi nakasarado lahat." A sigh could be heard from her. "I thought you were doing okay, Sol."

I scoffed as I closed my eyes.

That's what they all think.. but how can I be okay with the situation I am in?

It has been one year since she was gone. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I was completely devastated. Everything I knew and had felt had changed in a moment. The person I had loved and trusted had left me forever.

Since that day, I have been slowly sinking into darkness. I no longer feel like the person I used to be. I have become isolated from the world and everyone around me. I don't have the energy to socialize, to laugh, or even to cry. I feel like I am living in a void, stuck in a never-ending cycle of sadness and depression.

I no longer take joy in the things I used to. Every day feels like a struggle to keep going. I don't think I can ever go back to the person I used to be. I am constantly reminded of my loss. The pain and emptiness I feel never seems to go away no matter what I do.

All my life, masking my emotions has become easy for me to do. But since Khione happened.. It's hard to bear these emotions alone as I have gotten used to the presence of someone who made me safe in expressing myself. The abruptness of her being gone, gave an impact that I don't think I'll be able to recover from.

"Solana, please talk to me." She had come closer as I felt her weight on the bed.

I stayed mum, tired of having to hear her pleading to talk to me. It was a whole minute of silence before I heard her exhale deeply.

"..So this is how your life goes? Are you going to just lay lifelessly, hoping that one day it would be different? I know you're grieving, Solana. I know that every day, it's getting harder to wake up, and wait for the day to be over. But doing that doesn't make a difference. Khio is gone, and she will never come back. Everyone feels the same— but we chose to move on. Because that is how it should be. When someone's life stops, that doesn't mean that your life should also stop!" Her last words were hitting me close to home, I could feel my tears starting to fall as I didn't even want to hear it.