What Are We

Chapter 36

During my senior high and college days, when I was alone, I asked myself what would happen to me in the future. It's like I abandoned my family and friends, especially Zaffire. How can I deal with them? Can I explain to them? Will I be able to handle the words they will say to me that my decision was so stupid?

There are many questions, I have many thoughts but no question is answered if you don't think a way to answer those questions.

I was scared and nervous when I came home here in the Philippines. I just feel guilty because why did I have the courage to show them after I left? Nagpakita ako na parang wala akong ginawa.

Ten years was a long, long time, and a lot has changed.

Changes includes what has been the flow of my daily life since I returned home. I didn't expect it to lead to so much more ambiguity. In the past and what Zaffire and I are. Many explanations, many cries, many stories, and many unexpected things.

In ten years and the first year that I came back home, I realized, one of the weaknesses of us people is to know the truth but it is also a reason for us to be strong and somehow be able to start again.

I also realized that explanations are what can help us learn how to accept and forgive other people. We know that there is a mistake, but that should not remain as there is always something wrong. We should learn how to make wise decisions so that we don't regret it afterwards.

I regret what I did, but I wouldn't be in my current situation if I hadn't made the decision I made then.

A lot has happened in my life. I have learned a lot since I became independent and until now. I made many mistakes, I was numb and selfish. But despite all that, I'm still thankful because some people stayed. They accepted me again, and forgave me. That even sometimes I question whether do I deserve it? Do I deserve the people around me even though I have this personality?

That's when I realized that we have different flaws that people accept. You just have to choose the people you hang out with so you can grow up with a positive and healthy mindset.

Sometimes we don't ask for it but it is given to us.

From the family I have, I couldn't ask for anything else because the love and support they gave to me is enough. Even though they were sometimes not by my side while I was growing up, they remained in my heart. There is sometimes a lack of understanding but a lot of fun. Wala na akong ibang masabi pa sa kung ano ang pamilya ko saakin. Basta't sila ang pamilya na hindi ko ipagpapalit.

With friends, they have different personalities. In comparison it is quite far from the personality I have. May magaspang ang bibig, quiet, loud, killjoy, funny, gallant, and stingy but they all have a good heart.

Maybe I just really chose the people who will help me in my success and I am very grateful to them.

And to Zaffire.

He is the standard.

We're best friends.

He became a stranger to me.

Became friends again.

Became best friends again.

Then he courted me.

We would have been in a relationship status if I had told him.

So, after almost a decade and after the revelations, he became my boyfriend.

And now he has become my fiance.

The best friends to lovers trope is true. I used to watch that before, but now it happened to me.

Mabilis ang panahon para sa akin.

After a few weeks when Zaffire proposed to me, we found out I was pregnant.

He was very happy. He himself told my family, his family and our friends that he was going to be a father.

Since then, I didn't think he had any other side, apart from being sweet and clingy to me. He cares a lot about me. I wasn't even allowed to go to work. He won't leave the house without me taking a shower. He guides me in the shower because he said I might slip and I might get hurt. I just let him because it was his first time. I let him do what he wants to do when he takes care of me but I also scold him when he is over acting.

I was also very happy because no matter how busy his schedule is, he still managed to accompany and pick up Clark. More surprisingly, even when I introduced Clark to them, he already accepted Clark, but I didn't expect that he was the one who paid for everything I lacked from Kuya Colby. I took care of all the papers for Clark's adoption before I even got home, but I only borrowed money from Kuya Colby and I paid him half. Then Zaffire paid for the other half.

He said that Clark is also his son too, that's why he did that.

A few weeks passed and our days were beautiful and peaceful when one day I decided to dig out the big box with many designs. It's the one I brought to Canada that I left in my house.  Dinala ito nila Mama Mel.

Letters. That's what I immediately saw when I opened the box. There are many papers full of messages and all of them are for Zaffire.

I remembered that when I started college, I used to write to Zaffire at itago ang lahat ng iyon.

I even saw the wedding speech I made. Hindi ko pa sana iyon babasahin noong araw na iyon pero na-curious ako kung ano ang nasa isip ko noon.

I ended up crying. It's good that Zaffire wasn't there that time.

And after I read it, dinagdagan ko iyon.

Maybe I'm just boring but I thought that one of these days, we'll talk about our marriage because the day he proposed, he also asked when I wanted to get married. I said not for now because we need to learn from each other until when we feel that this is the right time for us to get married, then we will get married.

This will be short.

Babybub, thank you for waiting me. Thank you for your patience that lasted for over ten years. I don't know how to thank you because you have done so much for me. Thank you because you are the man who never gets tired of what I am. Thank you for everything because even though a lot happened to us, and we went through a lot before we even got to where we are now, you stayed strong and were there to wait for me. You're the man I didn't expect to come back, but maybe Cupid loves us so much. We were separated before, but he arrowed us again. Before, Yesterday, Tomorrow and Everyday. You're one of the best blessing given from above. I thought that maybe we are being separated before and experienced hardships, and struggles, Lord wants us to learn and believe in him that he has a plan for us. God has a plan and he wants us to wait for the right timing for us, and this is it bub. Thank you for the effort, patience and sacrifices that you've done.

Ikaw noon hanggang ngayon. To my Pard, Riusz, Zaffire, Fire, Uno, Firo, Roro, my Anonymous Handsome Boy and to my one and only Hotdog, Te amo.

**

aluzilei