Riptide / j.p x o.c

Potions and Problems

(Includes throwing up, eating disorder mentions, binging, parental pressures)

Sara's POV:
It's currently the day before my birthday and here I am. Alone in my room, writing some boring potions essay and surprise, not getting any of it. Since when did potions become so complicated. Before we used to just add some things together but now I'm having to write full essays on what different things mean. My head hurts so much that I struggle to move it.

Staring down at the paper, I can't help but wonder where I went wrong. Was I just not good enough? Do I not study hard enough? To be honest, I feel like I might as well give up on everything now. It's better to not try and fail than try and fail, right?

Suddenly, I feel a burning in my nose and the back of my throat just to begin crying at my desk. Luckily my roommates are all out so no one has to watch me act like this. I look at my desk and see the honeycomb I got not long ago at Hogsmeade. I then feel my soul leave me and grab the box of chocolate coated honeycomb.

Before I know it all the honeycomb and muggle sweets are gone. I feel myself craving more and more like there is something in me that won't stop. I turn and look at the care packages my father secretly sent me during the school year that sit underneath my bed waiting for me to give in.

I can't help myself anymore and I grab the first box. The chocolates, the popcorn, the sweets, even the sour drinks are all gone within no more than twenty minutes. At this point, I feel my body aching. It's as though I want more but I can't take anymore. I stare down at the second box and imagine the looks of disappointment from my mother.

She'd probably be calling me a pig and telling me to die by now but I can't help but give in. Sweet after sweet fills my mouth. Until I stop. Each box has food left but I physically can't put myself through anything else. The fear that I might actually pop becomes evident.

I throw the boxes underneath my bed just a second before my roommates all come in. I feel myself about to throw up but I know I can't in front of them. In only my pyjamas shorts and a tank top, I walk out of the room and find myself at James' door once again.

Knocking on the door, I can't stop myself from letting the tears fall. My chest rises quicker and quicker by the second until the door is opened by Sirius. I walk past him and up to shirtless Jamie who sits on his bed. "I'm sorry" I say, tears are flowing down at high speeds and there is no going back.

"What happened? Are you ok, Sare?" he asks but I can't manage out a complete sentence. "Can I? Bathroom? Please" I manage out after a few loud sobs. "Of course, do you want anything?" Jamie offers but all I can make myself do is shake my head.

I run into the bathroom and close the door just in time as I feel the sick coming up. This process repeats as I hear mutters from outside. I'm scared of the questions when I walk through the door. The pity stares always hurt the most or having to talk.

The vomit continues coming up for what felt like hours but was probably only a few minutes. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor by the time, it stops. The tears don't stop as I try to calm myself from what just happened. This occurs every so often but not that badly.

Walking out of the room, I turn to James. "Can I hug you please? Also my toothbrush is in my room so can I have some gum to deal with the scent?" I ask. James wraps his arms around me and Peter hands me a pack of chewing gum. I take two pieces just incase and move further into a hug.

"Do you wanna tell us what happened?" James offered when he lets go of me. I take a dizzy step back and sit on his bed. "I did it again" I mutter. My breath is still unsteady and I can feel my chest aching as I breathe in. "What did you do?" he asks, sitting across from me.

"I ate" I say. It hurts to talk. "But that's a good thing, you should eat" Remus says, encouragingly. "No because I was trying to do a potions essay but I couldn't understand then I just couldn't breathe and my head hurt and, and" I try to explain, "I was crying and thinking that I might as well just give up and then I saw, then I saw the honeycomb I got in Hogsmeade and the muggle sweets."

"So I ate them. Then I couldn't stop myself and ate a bunch of the stuff my father put into a care package for me then I opened the most recent package but I couldn't stop myself" I continue trying to get my words out, "until, until I was about to throw up then my roommates came back so I ran up here."

I can't help myself once more and the tears begin pouring out of me again. James moves closer and wraps his arms around me. I try to quiet my sobs to no avail. I see Sirius walk towards the bathroom and look in. "Oi, firstie what the actual hell have you been eating?" he shouts into the room.

Staring at the ground, I don't answer his question. The truth being I hadn't eaten in nearly a full three days as I'd been busy with school and other things. "When was the last time you ate?" Peter inquires, "before this whole thing of course."

"Tuesday evening" I respond, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. I can feel the room tense at my response. I didn't realise just how long it had been since I'd eaten. During the school year, everything kind of blurs together especially the days.

"Oh, bunny" Jamie whispers and I can smell his cologne as he leans in closer. "Do you wanna go get something proper to eat? I can just ask the house elves to make you something" he offers calmly but I shake my head. "Can I stay here please?" I ask him, lowering my voice.

"Of course, do you want to change from that?" James suggests as I did get a bit of sick on my pyjamas. "Yes please" I mutter when he gets me out some clothes.

James' POV:
As she changes behind the curtains of my bed, I turn to the others to try and figure out what to do. It's hard as we have to keep our voices down so that she won't realise. I'm scared of the way she might react. It's obvious she has gone through things but I really just want to help her.

When Sare walks out, Remus says "I'm feeling hungry, I'm gonna go and get cheese toasties down in the kitchen, I'll bring some up for everyone". "That sounds good, me and Sirius will go with you" Peter responds. This leaves me alone to talk to Sara.

They all walk out and I sit on my bed with her. "We have to talk about what's been happening. There's no questions, I just want you to tell me why you feel like this" I say with certainty. I can hear her breath get shaky but she doesn't say anything for a minute.

"I never looked like Evan or Pandora and that annoys me. Every morning as a kid, I used to wake up and pray I had become blonde but I never could. My parents always reminded me of this. It's just gotten worse with all the letters from them, it reminds me of the constant judgment from my childhood and I keep trying to be what they want, but I can't."

There is a silence. "I never told anyone as I didn't think it was that important. Even when I was a child, my mother would make comments about my body like if I was bigger or taller than Pandora. When they said they wanted to keep in contact, I was excited but a lot of her letters just kind of remind me about how I look different" Sara finished.

"So you just wanted to fit in?" I double check. "Sorta. I just want to be enough for her" she says, staring down at the ground. We don't say anything about it but I've made it my mission to help her even if it takes a while.