Olethros

twenty one - freyja

I couldn't stop thinking about the way Azriel had kissed me. During the days and nights I spent holed up in the cabin, nursing the final bottle of whiskey, I imagined it over and over again. It devoured my numb mind every moment because otherwise, I'd dwell on what would happen if I was caught. I'd dwell on the fact that I was solo on top of a mountain, that I was running out of whiskey, out of books. There was nothing left for me other than sleeping or watching the snow dance in the wind outside.

All that was left of me was the small fragment clinging on the hope that Azriel would return and pull me into a sweet oblivion, a fantasy I would never truly know. I just wanted to forget who I was and why I was here. So many days had passed since he was last here, I couldn't keep track anymore. I watched the sun fall seven times, and then I slept through it, and then I didn't know if it was the same day or not.

It was a numb cycle of waking in a cold bed, bathing just because I was bored, skimming through yet another novel about faraway lands. I would eat only when my stomach would cramp, I would sip the whiskey in hopes that my lack of food would bring me to intoxication quicker. It had to have been two weeks, surely.

I'd begun to run out of clean clothes, even borrowing them from the drawers in other rooms. I had to wash them in the basin and hang them from the line that stretched across the far wall of the bathing chamber. I was bundled in a large long sleeved tunic, undergarments that hadn't quite dried yet, and two blankets. I was sat at the dining table, taking a tiny sip of the whiskey as my stomach grumbled.

I should make food, but I wanted to feel the effect of the whiskey. I guessed it didn't matter in the moment. All thoughts eased from my mind as I watched the snow dance in the trees, the moonlight blinking in and out with the movement of the branches.

I had lived as a ghost my entire life, but now I felt more like one than ever. A spirit of the wood, a thoughtless creature drifting through an endless life. I almost wanted to be found, just so I could feel something more than this. I wanted to be hurt, I wanted to feel joy or sadness or fear. I enjoyed the numbing of the whiskey only because it ceased my brain of thoughts and made my skin feel charged by lightning. It was more than just numb, it was a distraction.

My eyes fell to the glass in my hand. It was nearly empty, two or three drops of amber liquid left. A nectar of the Cauldron, fueled with regrets and sorrows. I felt a numb smile ghost over my lips as I caught the moon's light again. She waved at me, I waved back. Two lonely souls on an empty night.

"Do you feel alone, too?" I whispered, blinking back the burn of tears. The moon didn't answer, she waved again behind the trees. I don't believe she felt as alone as I did, because at least she had the stars.

I sighed, looking down at the last drops of whiskey again. Either it had gotten to me faster than I thought, or I was losing my mind. I wouldn't be shocked. I had convinced myself that my last few interactions with Azriel were figments of my imagination. That I'd been alone for the Mother knows how long and my mind feasted upon fantasies I created.

I brought my fingers to my lips, glancing at the moon. I wondered if she had seen what we had done. If she could speak, she could tell me if I'd been truly alone all this time. My mind turned to the door, trying to imagine my brother walking through. I wanted him to walk in, hug me, tell me everything would be alright.

He didn't come, and I believed he never would. I lost my battle with the tears, one slipping down my cheek and another hitting the wooden table near my wrist. A small strangled sound escaped my throat as I watched the door. Maybe my mother would walk in, maybe she would hold me. Maybe she would tell me that my father changed his mind and that I could live freely.

"Mama," I whispered, my throat beginning to burn from disuse. Had I even spoken since coming here? Had it been longer than I'd thought? Had it only been a few days?