Olethros

twenty six - azriel

I was an absolute fool. Whether it was the fact I had acted on desire with the one female I shouldn't have, or that I ran from her without explanation, I was a fool.

Out of the haze of emotion and lust, I was back at the House. Thankfully as I bathed and cleansed myself of Freyja's scent, nobody had come for me. After I dressed myself, I sat on the edge of my bed and tried to think of what to do. It was obvious Freyja had some sort of connection to me. I didn't want to break her heart, but I couldn't continue it.

I knew I desired her. I didn't know if it was because it was the excitement of her being forbidden, or perhaps just the fact that my mind was in a spiral as of late. None of my thoughts were clear. That's all I could blame this on. I needed to hold off from visiting her- perhaps two weeks at a time- and avoid any contact when I went to the cabin.

There was something about the way she had held me and touched me; Freyja certainly had feelings for me. When it came to allowing myself to enjoy her touch and taking my gloves off to feel her, I had lost my mind. I'd never allowed my scarred hands to touch another by skin, not even Mor if she'd let me touch her. Why had I let Freyja touch me?

You enjoy the risk.
Forbidden fruit.
Marred hands ruin pristine virtue.

I couldn't fucking handle it. My shadows taunted me since I left her, and the guilt of pleasuring her when I was lying to her brother. I wanted to tear my fucking hair out. Nonetheless, as I heard voices in the sitting room, I steeled my face and marched out. Cassian, Rhys, and Mor were on the chaise and settees.

"Where were you last night?" Rhysand asked me as he leaned back on the seat. I didn't like the lie, but I couldn't tell him anything near the truth.

"I'd gone to see Flora. She wasn't there, so I was on the hunt for another," I murmured, dropping down beside Mor. I'd hoped her sweet berry scent would rid me of my nerves. It didn't, so far.

"You weren't here this morning," Cassian pointed out. I fought the urge to glare at him.

"My shadows had found movement through the base of the Illyrian Mountains. Down by the lake. They'd misunderstood, though. It was some creature," I answered dryly. I'd earned some suspicious looks, but nobody pressed further.

"So, Rhys, your father hasn't mentioned anything more? Does he at least have an idea where she could be?" Mor asked. She leaned back, curling her legs up on the seat. Her shoulder brushed against me, her golden hair falling over my bare arm. I let myself enjoy that contact for a moment.

"He has a suspicion. It's possible she'd gone somewhere we already checked, but that's all he would say," Rhys muttered. His eyes flickered towards me for a moment that had my heart racing. I settled further into the seat to distract from the racing pulse.

"Have they lessened the search? My shadows haven't reported many soldiers." Heads turned to me.

"No, not that I know of. I think my father may be playing a game with Freyja now. I think he has narrowed down where she went and could be toying with her now. Obviously, he wouldn't let that information slip if he expected one of us to get her." Rhysand's eyes fell to his hands.

"If he knows where she is, why hasn't he just grabbed her? Why let her feel like she has freedom just to take it away?" I couldn't stop myself from asking. If Alcaeus knew where Freyja was, I was completely and utterly fucked.

"Come on, Az. You know how he is. He loves torturing people, including his children," Rhysand spat. I couldn't argue with that. He'd get off on the fact that I'm drowning in my own guilt.

"Either way, I need to do another round in the slums. I heard some people speaking of a suspicious cloaked figure wandering in the apothecary a few weeks back. They haven't seen them since, but it's at least something," Cass explained as he rose from his seat. Rhysand shot up beside him.