Olethros

twenty seven - freyja

I was indeed losing my mind. I'd run out of whiskey, left instead to dwell in the expanse of my mind. It was a sickening place and I wanted desperately to escape. From the markings I'd begun to place on the parchment I found in a bedside, I came to the conclusion that I'd been here for two months. Azriel had been gone for three weeks now. My only sense of reality was hiding away from me.

I hung the wet clothes above the basin, stepping back to observe my work. After living a life being pampered by hired help, I was proud to find myself washing my own clothing and preparing my own food. It was the only positive in these months. Sighing, I turned away and padded into the bedroom, filing through the leftover clothing.

I was left with wool pants that smelled of dust and faint wind. I tugged them on, using the strip of leather to tie them off at the waist. I had begun to grow fond of wearing pants; yet another detachment from the life I once lived. I pulled a tunic smelling of my brother over my head and tucked it into the waist of the pants. I slipped on woolen socks that were far too big and went to the sitting room.

The wind was howling outside. The sun had fallen behind the thick trees and snow swirled in the small clearing where the cabin sat. I traced a finger over the cold glass of the window, feeling my stomach churn. It had been so long since I'd gone outside. I knew it would be foolish, but if I hadn't been caught yet, stepping out into the snow shouldn't condemn me.

Before my nerves could turn me away from my idea, I spun and gathered a coat from the rack next to the door. It was thick and swallowed me whole, but I didn't plan to be outside long enough for the snow to find its way up the gap. I shoved my sock covered feet into large boots and tied them as tight as I could before standing and facing the door.

I'd been too late; anxiety climbed up my spine. What if my father stood outside this door? What if his warriors flew over the clearing and spotted me? There were endless reasons not to go outside, but my heart yearned to feel fresh air against my skin. The cabin had been wonderful to me, but I couldn't stand the stuffiness of it anymore.

Blowing out a heavy sigh, I opened the door and slipped out. No one stood in the small clearing, though the shadows in the trees seemed to stretch and reach for me. I swallowed hard, shutting the door and keeping my back against the rough wood exterior of the cabin. As I turned the corner, no longer blocked by the cabin, wind whipped against my cheeks and hair. I sniffled, my nose already numb from the cold. I couldn't believe it was Spring down in the valleys. This felt like a brutal winter.

Though my skin burned, I felt free. A smile rose onto stiff cheeks, my chin tipping back as snow drifted from the roof and sprinkled over me. Oh Gods; I hadn't realized how tortured I felt stuffed inside that cabin. I felt the emotions choke me, clenching my throat that made it too hard to swallow. I didn't even realize I had fallen to my knees until I bent forward and my face pressed into the icy snow. I should hold my breath, stay silent and pray nobody could find me, but I couldn't stop the grief of another life from sweeping me under.

A strangled sob left me. My voice was already hoarse from disuse, but now I sounded like a mountain cat screaming for her family. The taste of the wind had memories flooding my mind in a painful way. I remembered my mother cradling me in her lap as she showed me the best ways to thread fabric together. I remembered my brother sneaking into my room to speak late into the night after my father had locked me away when I argued too much.

I felt like I'd betrayed them. The only two in my life to love me, and I'd left them. Why? Because I didn't want to marry a stranger? At least then I may have the chance to see them again. I'd signed my own life away when I ran. I'd never be able to safely see my mother or Rhysand now.

My fists curled into the snow as I let out another cry. I was just a foolish child, just like my father said. Greedy and spoiled, naive to the world around me. I lived within a cushion of lies and obedience, and I'd left it for a world of silence and solitude. What had happened to the young female who wished for more friends than only her cousin and brother? Who wanted to laugh and spent late nights at the taverns? I supposed I still wanted that, but I'd stolen the chances away from myself.