Olethros

forty two - azriel

The next day was as somber as the last. My brothers and I were silent as we climbed from my bed and went our separate ways. I bathed, my mind and body not even having the energy to cringe at my scars or marks. I didn't have the energy to hate myself when all of it was spent on Alcaeus.

Your fault.
You ruined her.
Your actions condemned her.
Monster.

By the time I was dressed, I could hardly catch my breath. The guilt and hatred was overwhelming. I was sure I'd collapse with exhaustion soon, too. I knew Rhys and Cass had slept the night before, but I had not. My mind was too occupied with plotting and dwelling.

I tried to sip the tea that Cassian had made but it tasted foul on my tongue. I couldn't bear to eat or drink, not knowing what Freyja was dealing with. Tamlin was the weakest, which meant he had the most to prove. Despite Rhysand's constant reassurance that Tamlin was kind and good, I knew he'd do anything his father or brothers told him if it meant earning their respect. Rhysand often told me how bruised and broken Tamlin was. The kid was abused, of course he would do anything to get into his father's good graces.

I could send my shadows, but the coward in me couldn't face hearing of her sorrows. After last night, I didn't know what state she would be in. I stumbled up the stairs to the training ring, needing the peace of flying. I stretched my wings, staring at the eastern sun as it laid a golden light over the city. I brought in a heavy breath, stepping to the edge. I let my arms spread wide, tucked in my wings, and I fell.

Wind tore at my clothes and hair as I plummeted along the cliffside. I enjoyed the weightlessness, the jolt in my stomach and the sensation of looming death. I watched the ground near me, and then I spread my wings. My breath rushed out of me at the sudden halt. I rolled my wings down and aimed for the rising sun.

It would take a couple hours to get to the Moonstone Palace, but I needed that time. I needed it because I hadn't been alone long enough to let my mask fall. The stoic, unmoving version of myself fell away as I cleared the first ridge. My fists clenched at my sides, face falling into sorrow.

I waited until I was far enough from Velaris that no ears could hear me. I pulled myself to a stop, wings curling around me as I hovered above the expanse of trees and hills, and I screamed. I screamed for Freyja, captive and surely being hurt. For the way she let herself feel something for me, and then was torn away and punished for her desires. I screamed for Rhysand; for how he had to watch as his father violated his sister before sending her away without another word. I screamed for myself. For loving someone when I knew it would only end in pain.

Cool wind made my tears sting against my cheeks. I clutched the fabric above my heart, clawing at it as the pain swallowed me. I was the monster who was blinded by desire and destroyed her, and then had to watch as Freyja was punished for what I had done to her. I should've confessed then and there. I should've let Alcaeus tear my head from my shoulders and throw my body into the damned pit in the library.

My entire body shaking, small sounds escaping me as I cried, I continued my way. I needed to speak with Odessa. I felt responsible for having her child ripped from her and I needed to make my peace.

By the time I made it to the mountains the palace sat upon, my tears had dried and my mask slipped back on. I was hollow, empty. An emotionless creature only built for revenge. That singular ember of hatred returned, and I was sure I wouldn't be able to contain myself if Alcaeus was in the palace. Perhaps this wasn't the best idea without Cassian there to hold me down.

I dropped onto the marbled stairwell that fell off to nothing at the bottom. I stood for a moment, trying to regain my balance on two feet rather than in the air. My eyes narrowed on the doors as I climbed the steps. Without Rhysand, I didn't assume I could just walk in. I gripped the golden knocker and slammed it against the massive doors. I stepped back and waited, savoring the sensation of the wind brushing through my hair.