Olethros

thirty two - freyja

I thought that after my time with Azriel, after our shared confessions and time in bed, I would feel a relief and joy like never before. I didn't, though. Curled up beside the window at the dining table, I waited for the sun to fall. There was a hollowness to my chest and stomach as if I needed him beside me to feel whole.

Without him here to pull me from my thoughts, I couldn't help but wonder how Rhysand and my mother were. I missed them more than I thought was possible. It'd been longer than I'd ever spent away from my mother, and without Rhysand sneaking into my room for long conversation under the moonlight, my life felt bare. I realized then how utterly alone I truly was. Not just now, but if I finally got to escape this hellish cabin and find a new home, I wouldn't have anyone I loved.

I had begun to hate the sun. When she stood tall, nobody came for me. Azriel only visited under the blanket of night. He was my only sense of reality anymore, and it scared me. Were these feelings I felt simply due to the solitude, or was he the male I wanted to spend my life with? Gods, he was the only one to pay any attention to me. Of course I would cling to him.

I'd begun to sleep during the day to avoid the loneliness that came with the sun, but after my night with Azriel, my body was too wound up to relax. I craved him; his mind, and body, and soul.  I wanted him to speak with me, to hold me, to tell me how the world was faring with my absence. I wanted him to whisper to me that I was who he wanted. I wanted him to tell me so many lies.

Besides his willingness to let my skin touch his, I couldn't think of a reason that I meant more to him than Morrigan. She was young, yes, but she'd been with those three males for so long, she was one of them. She was so much more than I was. Morrigan was wild and free; everything I wished I could be. I'd once let myself chase freedom in small spurts of rebellion, but this abandonment of my family had been my worst.

As I thought and pondered, I realized that by chasing my freedom, I'd only sealed myself in a worse fate. Solitude and loneliness.

"Freyja."

I nearly jumped from my skin, yelping as I jolted in my chair. Azriel was standing next to the door, brows furrowed and shadows creeping across his shoulders. I hadn't even noticed him walking in. I had been looking out the window, and still didn't notice him come into the cabin. I was a mess.

"I'm sorry," I blurted. I didn't know why I apologized, but seeing him look at me like he was afraid I'd fall apart made me feel like I would. He'd left only just early this morning, yet here he was in the day. The sun was still up, and Azriel was here. I wanted to cry.

"Are you alright?"

It was as though his question pointed me to how he was. His eyes looked shadowed, exhausted, and his face hollow and gaunt. It had been a mere ten hours or so since I had last seen Azriel, yet he now looked as if he'd fought another war. I rose slowly, hesitantly stepping toward him.

"Are you?"

His throat bobbed, lashes fluttering. I couldn't handle it anymore. I practically leapt forward, wrapping my arms around his waist. It was an immediate response with his arms around me, his chin on my head. He'd been my stability these weeks, but had he had one? Was he safe with himself? I wasn't sure anymore.

"I am now," he croaked. It broke my heart to hear such a fierce warrior sound so broken. I knew he wasn't ready to hear it, but I could feel the true confession of my feelings on the tip of my tongue. He deserved to be loved, he deserved to feel loved.

I leaned back in his arms, tipping my head back. Thank the Mother, Azriel understood the hint. He lowered his mouth to mine, our lips moving slowly. I thought that my attempt at soothing him would be the wrong choice, that someone under duress wouldn't want to kiss it away, but Azriel seemed to agree.