Sex?

Chapter 93

I exit the doors and enter the cold embrace of the final month of winter. I feel it all the way to my toes. And my once warm fingers suddenly feel icy.

The dark sky above fills the space between bare branches, and I smile up at the few stars I see.

This is what I love about small towns, the lights don't keep away the small stars.

But when I exit the doors, a pain washes my heart as the cold air enters my lungs and I feel like crying.

It might just be the weather that erupts such a response, as it usually does make you want to curl up and cry. But this time, it feels deeper, and the happiness I had felt within those art walls suddenly vanish.

I walk to my car and slam the door shut, plopping onto my seat and starting the engine as fast as I can. The warmth heats up the car and the radio turns on. I feel better, but a shiver trembles through my body.

I don't understand this feeling.

I was so happy as I played the piano, letting the light enter my lungs and listening to the music entering my ears.

Now, I feel like crying and coughing up a storm.

It's too cold.

Is it too cold?

Maybe I'm just being reminded of my past feelings.

Maybe the emotions that I bottled up can't be ignored any longer and once opened they can't get back in. ? Maybe that's it?

It can't be so simple as just one moment to take away the rest of the moments. I can't go on and pretend anymore and keep it hidden. No, this is the process. The process of letting go of these stuck feelings. I can't close the bottle anymore. Can't keep it shut tight. It'll take a while to finally process it all, but the ups and downs are part of life, right? Like music. You need the low notes to get to the high notes. And you need to play them to accept them and then to create a wonderful symphony.

Before I get there, I need to stretch my fingers, make mistakes, and trust my process. I need to cry a lot and figure out all of... this?

Right now, I'm at the beginning; the beginning of finally opening this big part of me that I was pushing away, this part of me that I kept shut. It won't be solved right away, it won't seem okay for a while.

Of course, it's the beginning, one meltdown won't solve all the shit I've kept inside.

I realize now that, for a long time, I pretended all was fine. Even though I was blaming everyone, especially myself. So deep down I must've known what I was feeling but I coped by denying it. I ignored the actual truth behind it. Until I wasn't even aware of it and now look where it's gotten me: it's gotten me far away from everyone, alone, confused, and in my car during a cold winter night.

But now I have to decide to stop that pattern, truly. I'm no longer going to pretend that all is fine yet blame myself. I'm no longer going to be afraid of making noise and making mistakes. I don't need to ignore my feelings. There's a reason why I'm feeling this way, and I need to work through them.

And opening up this part of me is the start.

But, it's the beginning, and it's okay.

It makes sense that I feel this way.

It makes sense.

I begin to hum these lines out, parting my lips as a fog escapes. My cheeks are red as I smile. The radio thumbs a beat and I look ahead realizing I'm singing my thoughts out loud despite the song singing a totally different tune.

What if this was the song I was listening to on my way home?

Nope, I was just thinking this as the shiver traveled up my bones.

This could help a lot of people though, like it's helping me.

Maybe I should write a song about this?

Right?

I continue driving till I reach home.