malicious | max verstappen

forty two.

ELYSE's POV

Ever since I won the championship, I thought I'd finally get to relax and enjoy my time during the winter break. But the truth is, I thought wrong.

If you asked me a few months ago what my main goal of the year was, I would've told you to win the championship. But now that I have, I can't help but ask myself the same question over and over: was one championship worth all that I've lost just to get it?

Instead of feeling accomplished, there was this never-ending hole engraved in my now soulless heart. Then I came to a realization, winning without having people to celebrate with was the equivalent of losing.

Sure, I had my aunt, Lewis, Carlos and a bunch of other drivers to celebrate with. And while I couldn't have my mother with me to celebrate with, my heart yearned to for one specific person.

A person I was most definitely sure hated me with every fibre of his body after everything that happened...

I don't know what came over me, but after Abu Dhabi, I took the first flight to Brazil. Alone.

I stayed in the massive beach house we all stayed at during the summer. I could just recall all events that happened while walking around the house. And an uncomfortable pit always settled in my stomach.

While being in a huge house that once used to be filled with people, alone, sometimes felt lonely. My soul was somewhat at ease. Like I was somehow reunited with my mother, spiritually of course.

But still, that uncomfortable pit in my stomach was always there. And it was slowly driving me insane.

So, I decided to take my aunt and Ashley's advice and go to therapy. For multiple reasons. To deal with my grief properly, manage my anger, learn forgiveness, stop self-criticism and more. The only reason I listened to them was because I wanted to better myself... and maybe so that one specific person would notice I'm getting better and be proud of me...

And I'll have to admit, opening up certainly was a hard task for me to do. Talking about my past, my thoughts and feelings, it was all so new to me, foreign. Something I rarely ever did except when I was with my mother.

But my therapist, Violet, was so patient with me. Even when I was in a bad mood and practically refused to say anything. But as time went on and the more sessions I had, I slowly started opening up and despite hating the feeling of vulnerability, the weight on my shoulders was decreasing ever so slightly.

I told her all about my father, my mother, the pressure of F1, Mercedes', my friends, my addiction, Max...

However I'll have to be honest, I always tried to avoid talking about Max. Talking about my past wasn't as hard since the wounds weren't as fresh as the one from Max.

During this period, I started to smile at people more often, go to local karting tracks and help little kids fix their karts, and more little things I usually wouldn't do.

Anyhow, after nearly a whole month of going to therapy almost everyday, Netflix showed their interest of making a documentary on me. Initially, I was going to decline but changed my mind when I showed Violet and she talked me into doing it, truthfully.

So, I did. And they even brought my friends, family and team principals along.

But when I was being asked questions about Max... it was like my heart shattered all over again when I found out they asked him to come on and he refused.

"What about Max Verstappen? During the second-half of the season, the two of you seemed relatively close yet you haven't mentioned him once– and not to mention the fact that he declined being a part of this documentary despite being a huge part of your history and career as your lifelong rival."