Dirty Secret

Chapter 36

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***

My night remained sleepless. Both my racing mind and heavy guilty conscience were to blame. I could not understand what was going on with my body. It was like ever since I had lost my virginity to Brett at the lake, I craved more. I needed more, the pulsating between my legs was growing to be too severe. The moments with Raph made me realize it wasn't him that I wanted but the act of physical pleasure itself. I had decided to take matters into my own hands, literally. Sometime between the midst of the sun rising, I spread my legs and explored my own clit with my fingers. I shut my eyes and imagined it were Brett kissing down my thighs and teasing all skin around my vagina. All noises were completely drowned out by the pleasure, all I could focus on was crossing the edge of the intense pleasure into a climax.

"Are you up-oh-"

I flung my fingers off of myself and sat up with wide eyes to see that Jeremy was leaning over the metal barrier into my bed.

"What the hell-" I was panting with shame," I didn't hear you come down-"

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd be sleeping-"

He looked more ashamed to have caught me touching myself although I wasn't sure how it was possible. My cheeks must have gone bright red at the embarrassment I felt. I don't think I've ever quite felt this ashamed.

"I couldn't sleep so....," I finally said, there was nothing else I could think of to say.

"I could help," he suddenly said.

"What?"

"I mean, it would feel a lot better if you let me help you, why should we wait until the blood moon if it's gonna happen anyway."

"Because..."

"Because what?"

Because Brett.

"Because...I'm not ready," was the best that I could come up with.

"Oh, yeah. That's totally fine," he said, distancing himself from my bed. He looked as if I had rejected him. It wasn't the case at all, I just couldn't bring myself to betray Brett.

But he's betrayed you. He's chosen someone else.

I reminded myself that Brett and I will never be together. He hadn't saved me because he loved me, he had saved me to get rid of me.

"Jeremy, wait."

"Yeah?"

"Come in my bed."

He swallowed back," are you sure?"

I nodded because I could not force the words out of my mouth. Jeremy climbed into my bed and for a moment, he said by my side awkwardly. I leaned into him and placed my hand on his chest. We stared at each other for a moment and than I leaned in to kiss him.

There were rumblings in my body, the feeling of physically rejecting something. It was like I was fighting through tides of emotional drowning, every second was like a war against myself and my wolf.

The longer I kissed Jeremy, the more physical pain I was in. My head pounded from a worsening migraine, I hoped that this was just the first time.

Perhaps the second time won't be the same. Once my wolf had fully accepted that she had been rejected.

I felt Jeremy's hands on my bare stomach and could not stop from flinching. I tried to distract him by deepening the kiss, but he pulled back.

"Are you sure you're ready? I know with Brett still being your mate...we'll, maybe I don't really get it. I never had a mate."

"Brett doesn't want me. I've accepted that."

He just stared at me as if that weren't the answer he was looking for.

"Yes. I'm ready."

I kissed him again. Jeremy's hands found my clit. I shut my eyes while he rubbed it, I could feel my body betraying my heart as my vagina grew even wetter. Jeremy moved to place his face between my legs. I felt his lips on my vagina, and eventually on my clit. He licked me gently, but the joy was strong. I tried to shut my eyes even harder, to blur the feeling of betrayal. I imagined it were Brett between my legs instead. I moaned out and gripped onto this hair to deepen the pleasure.

The edge of a climax was fast approaching.

He doesn't want you. He chose someone else. He doesn't want you. He chose someone else.

How could cheating possibly exist when this much guilt accompanied?

Did Brett feel any of this at all when he was with Jessica? Did I matter even the slightest?

Pain and pleasure collided and I screamed out as a powerful orgasm emerged so hard it shook my entire body.

"Yes! Oh my god, yes, Brett!"

I panted whilst Jeremy pulled back. I was sweating furiously, the aftermath of the orgasm was just as pleasurable. It took me a moment to realize that the mood had shifted completely. Jeremy was getting out of my bed now, and I realized I'd called out for Brett.

"Jeremy, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"You weren't ready, should have just said it."

His tone was passive aggressive, I knew he was upset. Jeremy climbed back up into his bed, and I could still not sleep.