All My Mother's Rules

Chapter 70: Caught on Tape

The video camera was one Christmas tradition I had completely forgotten about.

I turned away from the camera, but the damage was already done. For the rest of my life, every time Mom replayed this Christmas tape, there would be stark evidence of this period in my life.

Mom loved to replay her Christmas tapes. She'd get them out at random times of the year to watch in the evening. I didn't understand what she got out of it, but every present I'd ever opened was preserved on camera for posterity.

For my fifteenth Christmas, every video of me opening a present would show off the unmistakable waistband of my diaper. As if seeing those few inches of plastic wouldn't be enough, the pajamas fit tightly against the diaper, exposing the bulky outline around my crotch and bottom, an outline that was even more obvious because of how soaked the diaper was. I also doubted that Mom would let me remove the pacifier, though that was a much lesser indignity than what I had on beneath my pants.

Emilia and I had a stocking with our name sewn on the top. Mine had a snowman on it, while hers had a bunch of reindeer.

Emilia grabbed her stocking and held it upside down, shaking out the contents into a scattered pile on the carpet in front of her.

On a typical Christmas, a stocking would include lots of candy, snacks, socks, lipstick, or other assorted odds and ends.

I gasped in dismay when I saw what had spilled out of my stocking and onto the floor.

A couple of pacifiers, two baby bottles, a sippy cup. Some tins of Playdough, a beanie baby. Large crayons. Some small glass jars of baby food. Rubber safety spoons and forks.

"This year, you are getting presents that are more appropriate for how you have been behaving," Mom said.

My heart sank at that announcement. I glanced over at the presents under the tree that bore my name on them, tears beginning to form in my eyes. What else did Mom have in store for me?

What made that worse was that I would have to open those presents with the camera rolling.

Even my little sister's stocking contents were more mature than mine. I looked over to where Emilia was seated to my right. She unwrapped a chocolate kiss and popped it into her mouth for a pre-Christmas snack. She did it right in front of Mom and didn't even get even a gentle rebuke for it.

Completely unfair. Mom never let me eat any candy before breakfast, even if it was Christmas morning.

My diaper suddenly no longer felt cold. The sudden warmth seemed to invalidate all the complaints running through my mind about how I was being treated this morning. I was a baby who couldn't help peeing herself.

"Let's try out one of your new pacifiers." Mom grabbed a bumble bee pacifier from the pile in front of my empty stocking, pulling it out of its plastic cover. She popped my current pacifier out of my mouth. "Buzz. Buzz." I held my mouth open as she inserted the bumblebee one.

I kept thinking that there wasn't any way that this morning could get worse, but I had a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I would not enjoy what was inside my presents.

---

I had hoped Mom would change my diaper before putting me in the highchair for breakfast, but I should have known better. It was common for her to change me after the first feeding of the morning.

My cinnamon roll had been cut into a bunch of tiny pieces. They were set in a pile on my kiddie plate with white frosting drizzled across. To the side were some banana slices. Mom had taken one of the sippy cups from my stocking and filled it with iced coffee.