All My Mother's Rules

Chapter 85: The Right Choice

Amanda let me sleep on the decision. That didn't make it any easier.

I didn't get much sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to a soaked diaper, my head spinning from dreams that I could only remember bits and pieces of. As accustomed as I was to just going back to sleep in that scenario, the hospital diapers weren't trustworthy enough to ensure that there wouldn't be a leak by morning, so I was forced to get up and change.

That had been enough to fully wake me up, so I ended up staring at the dark hospital room ceiling for an hour or so, contemplating the pros and cons of the decision I needed to make in the morning.

I had been running from all of my problems since that first day I had wet my pants this fall. That would have to end now. But that was true regardless of which choice I made. There would be no hiding my incontinence, regardless of which family I chose to go live with.

If I were to go live with Lisa, that would be just a half-hour drive to the Higgins' place. Wisconsin was a lot further away, but Amanda said they had plane tickets reserved if I were to choose to go live with my half-sister. There were still too many questions to deal with.

Did I want to reunite with my friends? Would they be able to accept me again or understand what I'd gone through? How was I supposed to apologize for the way I had so hurtfully distanced myself from them? What about school? How was I to explain my absence this semester or get caught up in time to graduate?

But did I instead want to live with my sister again? How would she react to how our relationship had changed again? Would I be reminded of Mom every time I looked at her? And could I entrust the secret of my incontinence to these total strangers I would be living with?

I wasn't able to come up with satisfactory answers to all of those questions, but I managed to figure out enough to finally reach a decision as I at last drifted off to sleep.

I woke up to the smell of bacon, the feeling of the nurse's hand rubbing my shoulder, and the sensation of a wet diaper between my legs. I didn't want to open my eyes just yet, but Debrah continued to rub my shoulder gently. "It's time to get up. I've got a special breakfast for your last day here."

I yawned and opened my eyes. It had apparently not been a restful night of sleep. My blanket had fallen to the floor, and I was barely covered by the sheet. My bare legs and wet diaper were fully exposed.

"Amanda and Jodie will be here in about thirty minutes, so you should have enough time to get cleaned up for the day and eat your breakfast before you go. I put it on the desk for you."

I rolled out of bed after Debrah had left and shut the door behind her. I decided that I'd rather eat breakfast before getting in the shower. The room was warm enough that I didn't feel the need to put on any additional clothes, as I sat at the desk in just a t-shirt and a wet diaper.

It was the best breakfast I'd had so far at the hospital. Pancakes topped with strawberries and banana slices, syrup, and whipped cream, along with a side of bacon and eggs, a cup of yogurt, and a tall glass of orange juice.

I felt a bit like a prisoner on death row, receiving their last meal before meeting their fate. Though, weren't they supposed to be allowed to pick out what they wanted to eat for that final meal? Not that I would have chosen differently for the breakfast.

Last night, Amanda had said that they were ready to take me to the Higgins place or Emilia's new family today and that I would just need to tell them what I preferred.

Had I made the right decision as I was lying in bed last night? All the questions were rattling around in my head as I tried to focus on my food so as not to continue second-guessing myself.