잠꼬대 (zzz..)

12 - h.hj ;

(junhan/hyeongjun pov)

it was the last day of school for the week, so i decided to text this guy named jooyeon. he seems cool, i heard that he plays the bass. but whatever, instruments aside. i texted him.

the conversation went on for a surprisingly long time. okay, well, it was 30 minutes, but still. he heard about me from seungmin, another kid in my history class. he's actually pretty smart, but he barely raises his hand. understandable, history isn't one of my best subjects either.

either way, jooyeon. he talked about this guy, gunil. apparently he's older than him, so i'm assuming he's older than me too. i guess he's "gunil-hyung" now, even though i've never met him. but i've seen jooyeon walk around with one person very often, i think that's him. i didn't think our conversation would go really deep about this guy's personal problems really quickly, but it did? somehow?

i found out he's starving himself about an ex? maybe they were abusive? i'm not sure. either way, he told me he barely eats and goes to the bathroom after lunch every day. which is interesting... because when i sometimes go to the bathroom after lunch, i can hear puking sounds. it's really  disgusting, and i hate it.

oh SHIT. if he says he's going to the bathroom, and i hear puking, and gunil-hyung barely eats... does that mean he "eats" in front of jooyeon and just.. throws it all up?

that's... awful... oh my god... 

i never thought someone could starve themself that much they'd be willing to barely eat, just to throw it up. i really do feel bad for him.. jooyeon even told me he's starting to eat small snacks now, but does he know the truth..? the truth of him not actually digesting it?

either way.. gaon is getting on my nerves. jooyeon told me a lot about gunil, so i told him stuff about gaon, and my concerns. we both swore to not tell anyone but each other what was happening between our... concerned friends, so i'd say we're friends now.

anyways, gaon? he's been wearing turtlenecks less, so that's a good sign? i think? right? but, he's still wearing his long-sleeved sweaters. god, it hurts looking at him. the worse part is, i don't know how far the cuts go up his arm. i'm just going to hope that it's only his wrists and such...

i told jooyeon about him wearing them, and he said he might be trying to kill himself.

now i feel even worse. the one thing i'm trying to do, save my friend, isn't working at all. he's getting worse. what am i supposed to do? i can't just tell him to stop, then he might actually do it one day. that day could even be tomorrow, and i wouldn't know.

i'm just so worried about him.. i really do appreciate him. he's a great friend. he's a good person. he's a really smart kid, but.. why is he making himself suffer like this? is there something deeper than what i think? from what i know, his life at home is pretty average. he does chores sometimes, doesn't get yelled at often, y'know, that stuff. 

what could it be? maybe it's the stress from school, or something. i have no clue. 

but still, what is making him do this to himself? a question that i don't know if i'll be able to answer, even when gaon's already killed himself.