잠꼬대 (zzz..)

k.jsu

(chpt 8 in his pov)

i sat in whatever you want to call my room, my room. i have barely any furniture in here. it's terrible. i spend so many hours of my day in here, i feel like i'm going insane. the only times mom comes in here is to either yell at me, or tell me that it's time for food.

at least i get fed, at least. i get verbally abused, but i get food. so that's what counts. at least i'm not physically dead yet.

being at home sucks. i'm not allowed to talk when i'm in my "room" that isn't even a room. so what's the point of even talking anyways? i can talk when seungmin is over, but mom is always so watchful of us. it's like she's making sure i don't say anything bad about her. but, it's not "like" she is, she DOES. she's always listening to us from some random corner of the house. she doesn't want people knowing that she constantly hates me and verbally abuses me. 

i've always been sensitive around her. i don't know how, but she makes me cry almost every time. whether it be angry or sad, i get yelled at.

either way, i heard her stomping down the stairs to my room. i know it's terrible when she's stomping. but, i've given up trying to defend myself. she can pick me apart as much as she wants to.

as i sit there while she yells, i can't help but cry. i can't help but try defending myself. through the faint "i'm trying"'s i say, i get belittled once again. i'm told i'm a failure. a failed abortion. i need to man up. i'm not good enough. i'm not supposed to be here. 

why am i being told these things? why am i being treated like this? why is my mom telling me these things? why am i not being loved? why is my mother not treating me like her own son? why is she not being a good role model? why do i agree with some of these things? why am i even alive? why am i here? why am i not happy? what's the point of living anymore? who genuinely loves me as a person? is there really someone out there who loves me? who cares for me? who would go out of their way to do nice things for me?

all i know is abuse. rude remarks. constant punishments. cruel rules. that's what i know.

the only exception is seungmin. he asks me if i'm okay. he likes inviting me over to his house. he's always accompanying me during school. he's nice to me. he checks up on me. 

he cares. i know he does. but i don't want to tell him. i can't. i can't get myself to tell him. i don't want him to know. he's really concerned for me, and he knows something's wrong. but i can't tell him.

after all the yelling that turned into a blur, she slammed the door shut, making my ears ring. just as she always does. it gives me time to silently sob to myself. 

she doesn't love me anymore. she hates me now. i can't do anything to impress her. she's given up on me, and i'm giving up on myself.