잠꼬대 (zzz..)

k.jsk

it's another day of school. and another day of sweating it out in this thick ass sweater.

i don't know if hyeongjun notices, or even knows about my arms. but i think he's catching on. he's really concerned for me lately. i'm not sure, but i have a feeling he knows. he is emotionally smart, so i wouldn't be surprised.

anyways, last week i tried killing myself sayori style. did it go well? ....no. i ended up coughing too much and the rope came undone, so i just fell on the floor and hit my head pretty badly. i had to pretend it was some random bottle in the shower though, since my mom came and knocked asking if i was okay.

i really wish i was. but i'm not. i don't want to be alive anymore. i don't know why though. it's just this voice that comes into my head at random parts of the day, just saying that i should die. i don't know how or when it started. it's just been there my whole life.

either way, i walked into my history class and sat next to hyeongjun, one of my only friends at this school. it's a new year, and i don't want to be here, but i am.

hyeongjun is someone i trust a lot. he trusts me too. we've known each other since elementary school, so it's only natural. i'm surprised he's stuck with me through all these years, but i'm thankful for him. if it weren't for him, i'd probably be dead by now. maybe even before. but that's besides the point.

the point is, junhan introduced me to seungmin, who apparently is also in our same history class. so i talked with him for a bit. he asked me about my sweater, i just said i was cold, and we ended at that. it was awkward, but he didn't pry, so that's good? most people do, but he didn't. it's a bit off-putting, yes. but as long as i don't need to lie even more than i already am, it's fine.

apparently him and junhan have talked a bit out of school. now i feel bad for not asking anything. i feel left out, but i don't want to say i am. i'll just make the both of them feel worse, and i just met this seungmin dude.

and, i guess i zoned out for a bit too long. i felt myself slightly shaking, and saw junhan was pushing me with my shoulder.

"jiseok? are you okay? you've zoned out for the past 5 minutes, we're supposed to be reading and taking notes." junhan worriedly asked me.
"oh, we are? sorry, something was just on my mind. got a bit too into it, y'know?"
"ohh, yeah, i totally get that. like, you're thinking, but you're thinking a bit too hard you get distracted?" seungmin said.
"exactly! that's what happened. i was just thinking about food. i'm a huge foodie."
"you are!? i am too!"

huh, maybe this seungmin guy isn't so bad either. he seems pretty fun, and the three of us talked about food for the rest of class, almost getting stopped by the teacher a few times. either way, i think seungmin is a friend. he's cool, he's chill, he's nice, and he doesn't pry. i like that. junhan gave me his number, so we might try talking after school.

maybe life is looking up a bit after all. :)