The Act|| Tarasia

Chapter Sixty One

Taraji's POV

I woke up feeling shackled by guilt and freed by euphoria all at the same time. I looked over at Fantasia, wondering how she could sleep so peacefully after what we did last night. I don't regret it one bit, but I do wish that it would have been under less sinful circumstances. I don't know why I thought I could be as selfish and reckless as Tasia is. This isn't me at all. The words that I said last night about my situation with Brandee does not align with who I am, yet they came from my mouth and I can't take them back. I tried to have my cake and eat it too, and now I'm choking on the frosting and heading towards a stomachache. I need to pick one of them or leave them both alone until I rediscover who I really am and what I really want. Truth be told, I feel more comfortable to be myself around Fantasia. Even though Brandee has seen me at my worst, I feel so much pressure to be perfect around her because I want her to see my highs after seeing so much of my lows. With Fantasia, I can rest in my lows and really appreciate my darkness that makes me more aware of my light. The choice should be obvious, but with Kendall involved, how can I completely choose Fantasia and risk ruining what I'm building with Brandee? I've already asked her to come to the LA premier of "The Color Purple". Once the reporters and paparazzis pick up on the fact that she's there with me, it will be game over for anything that me and Fantasia wish to have in the future. But I can't just uninvite her after she seemed so excited and touched by my invitation. And when she asks why, how will I tell her that it's because of another woman that I'm in love with who just so happens to be married? I just admitted that I'm in love with Fantasia. My life is a mess, and I don't know how to even begin to clean it up.

Against my better judgment, I shook Tasia awake. She whimpered with her eyes still closed, turning over. I grabbed her shoulder and turned her back around, forcing her to open her eyes. She squinted at me in confusion, rubbing the drowsiness from her eyes.

Taraji: Tasia, I need you. Don't go back to sleep.

Fantasia: What is it baby?

Taraji: I need you to answer this question for me.

Fantasia: What is it?

Taraji: How do you do it? How do you go around hurting your husband without a care in the world?

Fantasia: Is this about last night? Are you having second thoughts because of Brandee?

Taraji: Don't try to make it look like that. Just answer my question. Please.

Fantasia: Ok, ok calm down. You really want to know how I live with myself? I just look at it like there's no point in living at all if I'm not enjoying life. You make me enjoy life, Taraji. You and my kids and my music give me purpose. Once upon a time, I thought Kendall was it for me. Life is tricky like that. You'll think you've found the golden key to the door of ultimate happiness, but then someone or something will come along and show you that there's something even better out there waiting for you to claim it, and everything you thought you knew will start to feel like it doesn't make sense.

Taraji: It doesn't make sense. None of this does. I don't sleep with married people, yet here I am. I've never been attracted to women in my life, yet here I am. I pushed you away time and time again just to end up right back in bed with you. Everything that has happened between us has happened for a reason, but I can say the same thing about Brandee. How am I supposed to choose between two good things?

Fantasia: I'm not asking you to choose, Taraji. That wouldn't be fair to you when I still have a husband. I'm just asking you not to shut me out again.

She was being so patient and understanding while I was getting frustrated with myself. I'm bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball between two paddles, two paddles that look like Brandee and Fantasia. It's a battle between what I want and what I need, but which one of them is both? I'm a monogamous person. I've never been into polygamy and I never will be, so sooner or later I'm going to have to choose 1 and stick with her.

Taraji: I have to go. You need to get up and get dressed so I can take you home.

Fantasia: No, I'll get an Uber. You need space and time to think.

She kissed my cheek before getting up and going into the bathroom. Usually she would try to smother me and force herself down my throat. She's growing so much and I feel like I'm going on the decline, falling back into my old habits while at the same time taking on new behaviors that don't do me any favors.

As I was driving, I didn't know where I was going. I had no true destination in mind. Somehow, I found myself at the airport. I need to go home and see the familiar things that made me the woman I once was- the woman I've lost. I need to go to D.C. .

[]

I rested my head against the window, counting the number of clouds I saw in my head. The task was keeping my mind occupied and helping me breathe through my stress. I know that Blitz and Oprah and everyone else will be looking for me by tommorow for the kickoff of the press tour, and I know that I'm risking a lot by up and leaving without notice, but this is something that I need to do for myself. My phone lit up, showing Brandee's caller ID. I tossed around the pros and cons of having a conversation with her at this very crucial and defining moment before finally settling on answering her. Talking to her always makes things a little bit clearer for me.

Brandee: Hey babe. I was just calling to tell you that I hope you have a good day. Did you eat a good breakfast this morning?

Taraji: I haven't eaten anything at all. I don't have much of an appetite right now to be honest.

Brandee: You sound upset. I can leave work and come over if you want me to.

Taraji: No, you don't have to do that baby. Thanks, but I'm not even home. I'm on a plane headed to Washington.

Brandee: Damn, that's really sudden. When were you going to tell me you were leaving?

Taraji: I didn't even know that I was leaving until this morning. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I'll be back soon. Just please don't tell anybody where I am.

Brandee: I won't, I promise. Listen, let me know when your plane lands. I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for. If you need anything, just call me.

Taraji: Actually, I do need something. Can you go to my place and feed K-Ball for me? The spare key is under the mat.

Brandee:*chuckles* Yeah, I got you. Have a safe flight, ok? Don't forget to call me when you're settled.

Taraji: I won't forget. Thank you, Brandee. I really appreciate you.

I gave her a kiss through the phone before hanging up. She's so soothing and reassuring. Fantasia would have had a million and one questions for me, and she probably would have demanded that I flew her out with me. Truth be told, I would do it in a heartbeat. Fantasia is both fire and ice while Brandee is everything in between. I know that I compare them a lot, but I can't help it. My playlist pumping through my AirPods began to play Favorite Mistake by Giveon, and I never related to a song so much in my entire life than before right now.