Satan Reincarnate

Path to more Pain

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I loathed when he called me any sort of pet name, I wasn't one of his damn pets. I wasn't Kandy, or Katie, I wasn't Katty. I loved those girls with my whole heart, but I had enough self respect and dignity left to try to get away, even if it got me hurt- or killed. I know it was stupid, but it was the only reasonable thing for me to do in the given circumstances. It's horror night every night, and thinking about what was going to happen tomorrow- fuck it.. even in the next five minutes scared me. There were so many possibilities. Twenty five minutes ago, I had no clue where he was driving me. I hadn't any idea that he would make me dress up as a doll, and make me stand there as an older man touched areas I didn't want touched. In my future, I didn't predict seeing the same man's head blown to bits and his insides scattered on the floor, just because Bill and them wanted some hefty drugs. I didn't expect to have my nostrils filled with the smell of another human beings' stomach acid, and the sound of his veins being crushed and popped as Bill stomped his spike-bottom boots relentlessly into his already dead body. It was something straight out of a gore video you would have to pay thousands for on the black market. Thinking about it then, I wouldn't have been surprised if it was recorded and posted somewhere. Or taken from a barely active security camera in one of the far, dimly lit corners.

"Are you done?" I barely spoke, shielding my face from the rancid sight and smell with my hand.

He sighed, rubbing is hands together. "I guess." Taking my hand ever so softly, he led me out past the other three men.

I looked at none of them, only my clothes in Tom's hand. I had never wanted to peel something off of my skin more than I do now. I didn't pull my hand from his, I was learning that I couldn't. Couldn't get away from him, couldn't have time to myself unless it was locked in a cold, damp room. At this point, my heart yearned for any sense of love or compassion. In this case, Bill's hand. I closed my eyes, and pretended like it wasn't his. I pretended I was holding my dad's hand, and we were walking home from the park after a long day of climbing trees, and playing in the sand. Instead of Bill's heavy steps and faint breathing, I made my mind believe I was safely holding the hand of someone who loved me, and cared about me more than anything in this whole entire, disgusting world. I walked parallel to him, my pace matching his as he took me back to the car.

The grip of my hand around his softly became tighter as I slowly made myself believe that there was a chance I was safe, and the horror was over. I felt him peer down at me, slightly adjusting to how I moved. I kept my eyes narrow to the ground, avoiding his. I wanted this illusion of peace my mind could create to stay intact, and not have him ruin it with one look down at me. We neared the car, and he gently clicked the door open for me.

"Get in." He said, his voice still as harsh as usual.

I slid in next to Katie, just like he said. I felt her eyes on the back of my head as Bill shut the door, and my eyes lingered out the window. I sighed, taking the heartbreak of everything ever in a heap. I used to channel my emotions through anger, so everything negative I ever felt about anything was always rage. But, feeling a tinge of sadness made me realize how wrong everything was. I had only been gone from home for two weeks, and in Los Angeles for a few days. I had lost track, if I was being honest with myself. I missed my family. I came from an unfair and broken home, but I still loved my family with my whole being. I missed the way my dad held my hand, and how my mom held me in her lap after a rough day of school. I missed the way my sisters would pick on me all the time, but ask to play games only moments later.

When I lived with them, I only ever focused on the negative bits. Like not being the favorite, or not being as privileged as my sisters were. Or being so hurt from such a young age, being gas-lit into thinking I was the issue. But i never focused on the positives. Like family dinners, or saying "Goodnight Mama, I love you," and "Goodnight Daddy, I love you," or spending cold summers in the creaks outside together. I knew if my family was here, everything would be alright and I knew I would be safe. But now, was I just a memory to them?

A tear slipped from my eye onto my upper lip. Would I ever see them again? Would I ever escape Bill? If not, would he ever change? Katie's soft fingers interrupted my little meltdown. Her hand rested on my thigh, her eyes heavy on mine. I turned to face her, leaning into her welcoming embrace. I rested my head on her shoulder, finally exhaling as I closed my eyes. Who care if Bill saw from the front set.. what was he gonna do- kill us for resting against eachother? Not even he was embarrassingly petty enough for that.

"You'll be okay." I felt her whisper, her lips in my hair as she secretively held me. "It isn't your fault, Angie." She murmured under the music as Bill began to race down the road."You're just a little girl." Her warm hands rubbed my arms, she made me feel so safe. "Just rest, I know you're tired."

Her words felt familiar, they brought peace to my heart. She brought well needed peace to my longing heart. She made me feel something, something so pure that made my heart jump every time I heard her, felt her, or saw her. I think I was in love with Katie.

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