Satan Reincarnate

Stockholm Syndrome

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The ride home was tiring, I could even say painful. Bill, like he usually does on these useless trips, was mindlessly listening to someone scream through a radio to a quick beat. The heartache that came with Katie trying to make me feel safe made me realize how worthless trying to handle myself was. If i couldn't handle myself after only a few days of challenge, how would I be able to take on life as a whole? Beyond this point, did I even have a chance? I hated the fact that my mind knew I wasn't welcome at home with my family anymore, they told me not to leave. Trying to trauma block everything bad, trying to convince myself that if I went back it would be any better than it is now. But my heart was so set on trying to convince me that I could escape, and go home to my family.

I would still feel alone; be sad. Thinking about these things wasn't worth it, nor was living through it all. I was trying to trauma block everything bad about my past, and trying desperately to convince myself my family would want me back. I inhaled softly, my heart clenching as I thought about what happened. I loved everything, I always had. Even the people who hurt me- I couldn't ever leave them. I used to go to my room crying after school, because home wasn't an escape from anything. If anything, I needed an escape from home.  My room was blank, and the walls were a pale, egg-white color. I couldn't get out of my window, it was bolted shut and the corners were padded.

I remember my bed being flat, and blank white. I barely ever went outside, only to play with the other kids in the building and go to school. I don't remember much from my childhood, I refused to. I used to have an imaginary camera I would talk to, trying to entertain myself. It was like a diary that nobody could ever find, because it wasn't real. Suddenly, my knees started stinging with the memory of old, deep cuts. That was one of the reasons I swore myself to chastity, I wouldn't ever let anybody see those. But of course, somebody had to steal that from me.

I glanced up, looking at the man who did. He's seen every part of me, felt every bit of me, and heard every piece of me. A part of me was beginning to become confused. Every time I tried to get away, he found me. Maybe it was a sign that I wasn't meant to leave in the first place. Maybe, he could fix what my past had already broken. And maybe, just maybe.. he wasn't as bad as I thought. He never brought up my old scars, recent cuts and bruises, never commented on everything I was most insecure about. In fact, he chose to use my body. And he used it like nothing had ever been better.

A part of me was disgusted for thinking this, but was it true? Maybe, he saw me as beautiful and was just trying to keep me to himself. Maybe I should let the light in, and perhaps this time it wouldn't take everything from me. There was a possibility that he was actually my saving grace, and he was taking me to a better place. Katie's fingers wound around the curls framing my face, and the music rattling the car vibrated through my positively numbing mind. I smiled to myself, it was so silly. Bill wasn't a horrible person, he just had never experienced the good he needed. Yes, he's torn me to pieces. But.. maybe he was also the bandage to mend me.

I was confusing myself. I was in love with Katie, but.. what about Bill? Was it possible to love both, and if not- who did I actually love? Hurting people wasn't good, and Bill had hurt me. Bad. However, Katie hadn't ever laid a negative finger on me. She was almost perfect, and she's never done anything to damage me. She was the only one who seemed to have listened to my cries, and not fed from them like some kind of monster. But, I didn't want to believe Bill was a monster anymore. He just didn't know it was wrong, and that was okay I had assumed.

The car stopped, and I sat up as Bill opened his door. He slid out, opening the my side door as Katie pushed me off of her. I wasn't offended, I understood she didn't want him to see me with her. He grabbed my elbow, yanking me to my feet beside him as he pulled me into another large, white building. It looked like a house, but more like a frat house- the outside was disgusting and smelled rancid. I was surprised to see the familiar hallways when he dragged me inside that he first brought me to. I guess I just expected him to hide what it looked like from me, or bring me to another strange building. Before Katie, or anyone could come in, he closed the door so it was just us.

"Come with me." He said, not looking down at me as he put my hand in his.

I looked up at him, his face looked like it was full of glee and freedom. His purple lips were holding back a smile- this certain face he made sometimes made me feel like my body didn't belong to me. I couldn't explain it, it made me uncertain. I've realized whenever I was with him, not knowing my future, it was like consumption. It was scary for me, and when I held back it always ended up in my blood being drawn. He had always seemed so shitty, but made me so confused about how I should feel. Should I feel like he's my savior, my rapist? Satan reincarnate?

I didn't know what to feel when I was around him. He was so unsettling, and made me feel insane. Something about the way he looked at me made my stomach churn, and the way he stood so still all the time. His whole physique, you couldn't ever tell what he was about to do to you, or if he was having a high or a low. He could be so gentle, and then somehow my face would end up in a wall. The jagged cuts on my arm from a night or two prior had goosebumps on them, thinking of the way the threw me into the bricks. But, I started to learn my lesson. I just couldn't say no- the girls were right.

***