Becoming a Maximoff

Chapter 46: 5 years

Pov Nat

She would have been 23 by now. 

Just the thought makes me sad. She'd been all grown up by now and she and Wanda probably would already be married. I swallow when I feel the knot forming in my throat, a feeling I've become familiar with over the past five years. It wasn't easy and still isn't. The grief is different because I didn't get to say goodbye and she technically never died, she just blipped.
That's what we call it by now. 

Coming home was such a mess and for the first week, I mainly locked myself in my room or y/n's and Wanda's room. Even though it hurt me, I just needed to feel close to her again. That room hasn't been hers in over half a year but it is the only thing I have left of her. Well, not fully true. 

Around a month after the blip and after we killed Thanos, which didn't bring me the satisfaction I hoped for, a package from the UK arrived. Wanda and y/n had an apartment there and their landlord asked if we wanted to have their stuff back. Most of it were just clothes but there were also a few pictures and books in between and most importantly, the teddy-bears. 

Now, I know which one was y/n's but Wanda's is still more important to me because it has y/n's voice inside. The first time I heard it, it made me cry and I couldn't stop listening to it. Now, I rarely listen to it but it's somewhat comforting to know, that I would be able to hear her voice. The teddies sit on top of a dresser in my room. I put the rest of the girl's stuff back into their room because it felt like invading their privacy. The only other thing I took, is a picture that shows y/n in Scotland, grinning into the camera and posing in front of a pretty building. 

It warms my heart whenever I look at it but also makes me long to hold her again and hear her real laugh. My memories of her aren't directly fainting but it feels like I can barely remember her laugh, her voice and her face. It's all blurry and that scares me. I don't want to forget my daughter, I can't. 

I put the picture down and leave my room. I can't bury myself inside these feelings for too long. As long as I am occupied, I am okay. Well, on the edge of okay. I walk back into the kitchen/living room/office area. I'm pretty much living alone in the compound right now.
Occasionally, Steve sleeps here too or some other Avengers but most of the time, I am alone, so I might as well use the rooms the way I want to. 

I wasn't able to leave this place after the blip and I also didn't know where else to go. I considered going to Melina but that would only remind me of losing Yelena and I don't have the energy to be reminded of that on a daily basis as well. 

I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and slouch into a chair, resting one of my legs on top of the table. My eyes wander over the papers that are on my desk. I've been trying to track down Clint for almost two years now. He went 'undercover' and fights for himself and his believes now. The last time I heard of him being seen was three weeks ago, when he was in Mexico. 

I get what he's going through, he lost his whole family, Laura and the kids, that's not easy and I don't blame him for acting out. But I still would have needed him here right now. We're both going through the same thing, well, almost the same, and he is the only one who would understand how I am feeling. 

It's the one thing to lose a friend or person you really care about but it's a completely different thing to lose your child. Everyone processes differently and Clint chose a darker path. It doesn't make it easier but as I said, I don't blame him, he has nothing to lose anymore. I guess, I would have acted similar, if I wouldn't have my past and the memories of fighting and killing so many people. I don't want to go back to that and I also can't do that, for y/n's sake. She wouldn't want me to act that way, I know that. There's really not a lot to hold onto but I am doing my best. 

On hard days, I visit the memorial stones they set up and in which they engraved every name of every person that blipped. I know exactly where my daughters name is and probably would find the way in my sleep. It helps to see her name and be remembered that she is- was real and that I am not alone with the way I'm feeling. I also visited the stone that has Wanda's name on it because it just felt wrong not to visit her too. We got a little closer but no matter how close or far apart we would have been, I would still be thankful because she made y/n happy and kept her safe when I couldn't. 

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I get a hologram call. I get up and walk around the desk and accept the call, leaning against the desk. 

The same people as always appear. I did my best to bring some order into the chaos that was ruling after the blip and these are the people who helped me when they could. Occupying myself with this helped me move on a little bit because I know that I am helping other people, who feel the same way as I did and sometimes still do.

I listen to what the others have to say and nod along with some plans they offer. But I can't help my mind as it continuously slips off. Luckily, the others don't seem to notice that. When we are done, I walk back to my chair and fall back into it. My thoughts drift off and I mindlessly stare at the half-eaten sandwich. 

"Are you expecting for it to fly into your mouth?" 

I look up. Steve walks across the room. I nod at him in greeting. He stops next to a pole and leans his shoulder against it. 

"It's her birthday, right?" He asks and I just nod again.

"How old?" 

"23." I reply and silence falls over us. 

There are certain days that are just especially hard. Days like today, when it would have been her birthday. I lit a candle earlier today, in memory of her. And I allowed myself to just sit there and feel for about an hour. It felt freeing and heavy at the same time. 

"How are you holding up?" Steve asks and I look back at him, shrugging.

"I'm managing." That's not even a lie. I am managing it all. The question would rather be if I'm managing it good or bad. But Steve doesn't ask further, knowing that I am not a fan of talking about my feelings with other people. 

"Hungry?" I ask and slide the plate over to him. He takes the sandwich and starts eating it. 

I watch him, a little glad that he is keeping me company. My hand mindlessly plays with my braided hair. The tips are still blond but most of it is back to my natural red hair color. I didn't have the strength to cut the blonde tips yet because the last time y/n saw me, my hair was blonde and it's the only thing I can still hold onto. But at the same time, I didn't manage to color the rest blonde as well because whenever I tried, I got flashbacks to y/n's childhood. 

She was four and we were playing hide and seek in the Stark Tower. It was her turn to seek, so I hid underneath a table. She could only count to fifteen by then but none of us cared. When she ran around looking for me, she was giggling and having the time of her life. 

"Mama, I found you!" She cheered when she spotted me under the table, which made me chuckle and crawl out from underneath the table. She launched herself into my arms and I caught her, hugging her and placing kisses all over her face, making her giggle and squeal happily. 

"You're not good at hiding." She told me and I pretended to be offended and poked her side, which made her squeak adorably. 

"And why not, little miss detective?" I asked and her eye were so bright and full of happiness, that it melted my heart. She gently took a strain of my hair and hold it in front of my face.

"Because your hair is always visible." She told me and I chuckled. "Is that a bad thing?" 

She thought about it but then shock her head. "No because then I won't lose you when there are many people." She decided and she said it in such a genuine and sweet tone that I couldn't resist and hug her again. 

"I like your head hair and as long as it stays like this, I'm always gonna find you." She told me with a happy smile that made me happy too. 

So yeah, maybe I am holding on to that, hoping that she will find me, somehow. 

A/n: Yeah, this chapter isn't much of a cheer-up from the last one...

Thanks for reading and love to you all <3