Kyle "Gaz" Garrick x M!Reader

Thirty-One

With a loud sigh, you leaned against the table and let your head fall back. (H/C) Hair tickled the back of your neck. Smirking, Kyle crossed his arms in front of his chest and stretched out his legs.

The house was empty. Your parents had gone shopping and the boys were still playing in the garden, somewhere in the distance where little specks of white moved across the green. Sheep.

Lost in thought, you looked out of the window. Silence spread between you. It was both pleasant and oppressive at the same time. A shiver crawled down your spine.

You shook yourself. Kyle noticed the sudden movement. Out of the corner of your eye, brown eyes travelled over your body.

"Tired?", he asked with a grin.

You sighed.

"I feel old...", you mumbled.

He snorted. His gaze plagued yours and also wandered out of the window.

"Do you sometimes feel like you're late?", he asked suddenly.

You frowned in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

You took a deep breath to release some of the tension in your shoulders. He swallowed visibly.

"Your parents have been married for so long."

You snorted.

"Mad, isn't it? Thirty years with the same person."

Slowly he tilted his head. He looked at you again, more thoughtfully this time. His lips moved.

"Don't you think you could be happy with someone for that long?", he finally asked.

You frowned, thinking. He avoided looking at you.

"I don't think there's anyone...", you bit your tongue, trying to swallow the obviously lie since you felt like you had found that one but he'd never be yours. "I've been through enough. I don't have the power to keep looking. And I don't want to. Maybe, if I'm lucky someone will fly into my life. But... nah... I'm drained."

Understanding, he nodded, turned his gaze away again and looked out of the window. Silence fell again.

"I'm sorry about my parents.", you finally said and moved towards him. "They're a bit... much sometimes."

He laughed, but it was dull and not as fulfilling as usual. He still didn't look at you, not even when you stopped next to him at the table.

"It's quiet here.", he murmured.

You followed his eyes.

"Meadows and cows and sheep.", you said with a sarcastic grin. "And fog. Rain."

"London has rain too."

"Everywhere in the UK has rain."

He chuckled quietly to himself. Supporting his chin with one hand, he turned to the side to give you a look. Your eyes met. His brown seemed so deep, so thoughtful and uncertain.

"Something is bothering you.", you whispered.

With a sigh, he shook his head.

"I don't know...", he swallowed hard and looked away. "I have to think about what will happen if I can't return to duty."

Something was constricting your throat. Somehow it did not feel like he was entirely honest. Sure, he was obviously upset about the possibility of being discharged. But there seemed to be something else that burdened his mind.

"Right.", taking a deep breath, you raised your head again to see what Matti and Elli were doing. "If you have to look for something else... I just want you to know that you have a place with us."

He smiled, his eyes travelling around the room.

"I know...", he finally whispered and stood up briskly. "But... do I have a place with you?"

You looked at him questioningly and took a step back. But he just smiled tiredly.

"I'll get the things from the car.", he just said and pushed past you.

"Wait, I'll help you."

"No. It's all right. I got it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Yeah... I... I think I just need a moment.", with a smile, he disappeared through the door, car keys in hand.

The beating of your heart jumped. Something in the back of your mind feared that he had changed his mind and wanted to drive back.

Not that you could have stopped him.

But even as the door opened again and Kyle returned with arms full of stuff you couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.

It felt like he started to distance himself once more. An ocean opened up between the two of you, threatened to wash you up to different shores.

Separate you once more.

A breath got stuck in your throat as you looked over your shoulder.

"Kyle.", his name slipped off your tongue without hesitation.

It was so soft, weak, that you feared he wouldn't hear. But he stopped in his tracks, looked at you. He tilted his head in question.

He looked like thousands of thoughts and worries raged in the brown of his eyes. Small wrinkles appeared on his forehead as you were unable to find the right words.

"Are you alright?", you finally asked.

His eyes flickered shut and a deep sigh made his chest tremble.

"I'm... not sure.", he admitted.

"If you need help..."

"I...", he looked away again, avoided your eyes. "I'm not sure if we're on the same page."

You frowned.

"With what?", you asked.

He though.

"Nothing. It's fine.", and with those words he rushed out the door again.

You were left all by yourself, confused and at a loss for any solutions. Never before had you felt this helpless. So incapable of doing what was right for the ones you loved.

You had made mistakes in the past. But this moment felt like a failure.

Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes and tried to gather your thoughts.

Why did it feel like you were loosing him? Again.

It was as if something in your chest started to decay, crumbled.

"Dammit...", you hissed with your teeth clenched and buried your face in your hands. "What am I supposed to do?"

The door opened again and Kyle returned. You couldn't see it, but inside his eyes burned a kind of fire that was more than just dedication.

It was a once in a lifetime kinda thing. Now or never.

Within two steps he was right in front of you, grabbed your wrists and made you look him dead in the eye. The beating of your heart was up in your throat as he eyed you.

"I'm sorry.", he said. "I just... need closure."

And all of a sudden his lips were on yours.