Addiction

Chapter 37.

Hayden stares silently at me. I know he's just as uncomfortable with this as I am. I put my game face on and start off with my first question, "What brings you in today Mr. Stymest?"

"I—" He looks over at Dr. James and runs his palms down his pants leg. He's so nervous. I have never dealt with a nervous Hayden, he's usually so collected. It worries me slightly as to what he could be so nervous about. Whatever it may be, I can't allow it to interfere with our life at home. He's putting his trust in me and I will only break that trust if I break up with him over it.

"Mr. Stymest you know it is okay to talk to me." I tell him. Come on Hayden, bear with me, I'm just as nervous about this as he is, if not more. Anything can come out of his mouth, that can either bring us closer together or slowly break us apart, and I'm not ready for that.

"I know." He mutters.

"Take whatever time you need." I smile at him.

Though our time is limited, I want to give him as much time as he needs. I already learned that I can't force information out of him. He exhales a loud breath, "It's now or never right?" He whispers to himself but I heard him.

"I've been told by many therapist in the past that I have an addiction."

As stunned as I am by the news, I know I can't react in that way. When I think of addictions, my mind automatically goes straight to drugs or alcohol. But I've been around Hayden all this time and I've never seen him smoke anything or have any needles or pipes around his house. He has alcohol and he drinks it on occasion, it's not to the point where he passed out drunk and his behavior is erratic.

"What's your fix?" I wanted to know.

He shakes his head then sighs, "Sex." The one worded answer stuns me, rendering me speechless and I let out an unintentionally loud bemused gasp. "I can't live without it." He says sounding almost ashamed.

"I need control Al- Dr. Greene," Hayden quickly corrects himself, "and sex makes me feel like I'm in control."

"Control? Why do you feel like you need to be in control?" Hayden being a sex addict was one thing that has never crossed my mind. I knew he had issues and I assumed they were with women and love, not sex.

Now that I think about it, this honestly shouldn't be as shocking as it is. Wesley, Ryder, and Hayden himself have been dropping hints since the day I met him.

Sex is a desideratum for him . . . If you knew the things he was into you'd want nothing to do with him . . . He needed help . . . I need to fuck you . . . I'm sick Alice . . . I've been advised to talk with you . . . I just wanted to get into your pants . . . I can't let you take the lead . . . I cope.

I feel as if I've been lied to and cheated out of this information. Though Hayden has never lied to me about this because it was never brought up. I should've at least had the right to know.

The day in his study, whatever argument he had with Collin resulted in Hayden feeling out of control and less of himself, he did what he did best. Controlled the situation. And at the moment I happened to be the situation that needed to be controlled.

"The one thing I was deprived of was control over my life and that was the one thing I desired the most. My father took control away from me when he controlled my life; the way I looked, the clothes I wore, the way I spoke, the way I walked, the way I deported myself. I wasn't even Hayden. I was just a puppet and he was the master behind the strings. I yearned for control and I found it through sex. It wasn't about the women or the sex, it was the high, the rush and the power I felt during my former carnal tryst." He tells me, and I can't help but feel nothing but compassion for him.