Sincerely Yours [Stefan Salvatore]

[88. Be Strong (You're Gonna Get Through This)]

[5x09; The Cell]

Warning: Smut. Minors do not interact.

Lucy,

You told me to write to you, to write down everything I wanted you to know about how I feel. The problem is that I don't know exactly what I feel.

I take that back. Every feeling, every emotion I feel about the safe is clear. I have to convince myself that it's okay to take showers, that I won't drown. I will probably never go swimming again. I tell myself over and over that I'm on solid ground, that I'm not in that quarry. I'm here with you, with Damon and Caroline and Joel, and I'm safe. And even though I remind myself of that all the time, I still feel unsteady, shaken.

I don't know how to feel regarding your situation with Silas, Tessa, and Amara. I think I'm still reeling over what happened, trying to break down what you've told me happened and what I know about how your reincarnation works. Let me just say that I'm not angry at you for whatever happened with you and Silas when you were Lucilla. There's no way that I ever would be angry with you about that. Two thousand years ago, you loved him, but everything was different. You, yourself, told Silas that you weren't in love with him anymore, and I believe that. The only trouble I'm having is that it's Silas and unfortunately, that's out of everyone's control.

I'm still furious with him, enough that I could kill him a hundred more times and still feel the need to do it again and again. Mainly I'm furious about his trapping me in the safe for three months so I could drown over and over again, but there's a large part of me that's angry with him just because he knew you, that he loved you.

It's strange, because I've always known that I can be possessive when it comes to my relationships and the people I love, but I've never felt it like this before. I was jealous when I found out about you and Matt and even though you've never shown any interest in Damon and I knew that you loved me at that point, I resented the fact that you got to go to that Bon Jovi concert with him and not me. I've felt possessive before during our relationship, but when I think about you and Silas, my blood boils. I trust you more than I trust anyone and I believe in everything you told me that went down between you too, both in the far past and the last month. The problem lies with Silas and what he did to me combined with what he did to you. I know that is something that I have to accept and get over, and unfortunately, that will take time.

Last night, before you left for the Grill, I lashed out at you, and I'm so sorry, Goofy. Over and over again when I came back to life after drowning, I would think of you. You were my anchor, you were the one thing that had me keep a hold of my humanity. I'd lose oxygen quickly and the pain you feel when you drown is indescribable. The pain is...It's torture. And within that torture, I sometimes found myself resentful of the fact that you hadn't found me yet. It was absolutely ridiculous, because I don't resent you at all, nor do I blame you for not finding me. You spent all summer looking for me and you found me as soon as you could. When I had no memories, I admit, I wondered why you hadn't found me, but it wasn't in a resentful way, it was my curiosity, mainly. Then the memories came back and I remembered those moments, so few of them that they were, in the safe, and I felt it. I guess I continued feeling it without even realizing it.