Breaking the Rules - COMPLETED

10: the truth

•It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex. People do this all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams .. now that's being naked• ~ Tumblr

Nate~

I wake up with a terrible headache. It feels like someone is pounding with a steal hammer inside my head.

I slowly roll out of my bed and make my way to the bathroom. With every step a new wave of pain shoots through my body and I wince every now and then.

In the bathroom I take some painkillers and the pain almost instantly vanishes.

God, what happened? Why did I do it?

I look at myself in the mirror while holding onto the sink. My eyes are bloodshot with dark circles under them. I had a black eye which wasn't there yesterday.

What the hell? I think while carefully touching my eye with the tips of my fingers.

"How are you?", the sound of my mother's voice startles me and I jump but recover quickly.

"Fine", I'm shocked by how raw and emotionless my voice sounds. Guess I broke down again. "What exactly happened?", I ask not being able to face her out of shame.

"I don't know Nate. You tell me", her accusing voice hurt me and I finally look up at her. Her face is void of any emotion but I know that she's tired. I know that she's disappointed. I know that she secretly blames me for everything that has happened. Realizing that I won't answer any time soon she continues: "I picked you up from Matt yesterday in the middle of the night. I've never seen you as wasted as yesterday ever before. You were as drunk as the man whom I despise."

Her words are too painful. Too much. I bow my head in shame. My father. She thinksl I'm just like my father. I swore to never become like him and look at me now.

"I'm not saying that you're like him Nate", she says softly. She probably saw the disgust and self-loathered in my face, "I'm just saying that it hurts me to see you like this. It happened three years ago. You have to leave it behind."

"What if I can't mom?", I say desperately, facing her again, "I tried, mom, I tried so hard but I can't."

She sighs sadly and shakes her head. "I know it's hard, trust me, I know but you have to try harder! I know everyone deals with those things differently but I don't want you to destroy yourself or your future. And on the pace you're going, it'll happen sooner rather than later."

I don't answer, I just keep looking at her.

"I have to go now. You have to catch up on a lot of things in school so I'd hurry if I were you", she turns around but before she disappears from my view she stops, "I'm not saying it so you feel guilty, Nate. You're not the one I blame, you know that, right?", her voice is hesitant like she is afraid I think she hates me, what I really think, but I won't tell her that.

"Of course I know", I lie and close the door behind her so I can shower.

God, what did I do yesterday? What was so terrible that she thought she had to lecture me?

--

In the afternoon I call Matt to find out what I did yesterday. He tells me everything. That I slept with some girl, again. That I was drunk, again. That I broke down, again. That I cried, again. That I disappointed my mom, again. That I worried everyone, again. That I did everything I swore to never do again. However, he doesn't know where my black eye comes from.